I know this isn't my only chance to fall in love. I have been in love with other people and gotten over it. It took a few years, almost exactly six to the day. This situation should be no different, but of course I want it to be different. Spending an eternity with God is a comforting thought when considering the future, but I still need to think about what I am going to do while I wait. If given the chance I think this could be a long term relationship, even as he grows older. I know his looks will change, but that isn't what I really love about him (although it is nice that I find him attractive). My concern is that I don't actually have as much time left in this life as everybody else. Due to some unfortunate military mistakes, I only have about 20-25 years left before I will pass on. I don't necessarily want a relationship with anybody since they will be forced to lose me early, but I don't want to die alone. I have never had a real relationship, one where I felt somebody truly loved me, and I fear I may never know the feeling. If this relationship did work, it would be even more impressive because of all the obstacles overcome (i.e. age difference, both males, etc.) It would just seem more solid.

I can't help but think I am crazy. I have gone through a lot in my life. I know many people have, but my story is a little different. And I feel as though I came out pretty well balanced despite my terrible past. This is the one thing about me that I truly dislike. I wish I could just be like every other guy and want boobs and sex all the time. Marry some random woman and be content if not happy for the rest of my life. But my thinking is screwed up and I love this 14 year old boy. WHY? Why did this have to happen? It's like another chunk of shit on my life, as if my life didn't suck enough. And I don't have enough time left do anything about it. Sorry, I tend to rant and ramble. I know probably everybody else has felt the same way, but it is new to me. Thanks for your support. God will help me come to the solution, I just have to wait.