i havent been posting for a good 2 years [i think?] cos mainly i havent met ANY boys in all that time, and also cos i met a girl who i fell deeply in love with.

now dont get ahead of yrselves...nothing happened between us. i mentioned before that im attracted to women more or less my age as well as boys, but the thing is: she looks more or less like a 12 yr old boy. im not even kidding.

weve known each other for a bout 3 years now. we work together. it started out fairly innocent and progressed [at least in my mind] to a very attached emotional friendship with crying and hugs etc, and about 4 months ago i felt secure enough to tell her how i really felt about her. and she shot me down. she lives with her boyfriend btw but they have a pretty nonexistent relationship and i was pretty much her emotional support all this time. but she's not attracted to me physically so that's that.

so i kicked around in desperation for a month. i offered her all of me and she still said no so i had to grieve and bang my head and get over that.

so im over that.

[part 2]

before i met her, i got to know this guy online who lives across the country and we really hit it off. i can safely say ive never felt so attuned to another person ever. the catch is: he's not gay at all...he loves me as a friend and we had some great all nighters just talking and philosophising etc. then he got a girlfriend about a year ago. they moved in together and i didnt hear from him in a year.

about 2 months ago his gf left him and by coincidence we reestablished contact [i may have sent him some angry/sad/drunken messages haha] and we seem to be pretty good again. i keep telling him we should get together but he insists he's completely straight even though we have the most amazing intellectual and emotional conversations and i cant think of any person id rather spend my time with and i suspect he feels the same but he comes from a pretty conservative background so i think thats whats holding him back but what do i know right?

so i tried. i really tried.

i cant be with her.
i cant be with him.

and now my desires go to their safe place: beautiful boys. except it's not the same as it was 3 years ago when i was still getting over my one and only YF. ive mostly been by myself and working all the time so ive met ZERO boys in these years when i was desperately trying to throw off the shackles of being a BL.

and now, just now, i realize it didnt work!

what happens now?

ugh