i feel like i'm totally spinning out of control
and that may not necessarily be such a bad thing:

the last few years have seen me lose my obsession with the long-lost YF, falling deeply and madly in love with a girl my age who still refuses to return my affections (oy to the nth!), mourning over the loss of the closest male friendship ive had in a decade (he's also close to my age), losing my religion (quite literally, REM notwithstanding), and entering into a curious friendship (with strange overtones of attraction) with 2 girls -lifelong best friends who are merely 18yrs old and who keep finding me interesting.

also, ive become quite a drunk (tho i'm also genuinely a wine geek and beer geek and coffee nerd), and ive taken a strong liking to marihuana.

...so what about boys?

they dont quite consume me the way of previous lifetimes, tho they're still the essential spice of life, and i still generally go to sleep fantasizing of being an older brother figure with cuddle benefits. oh the cuddles!

but the most important aspect of the changing landscape is i no longer believe in god. not really, anyways. not till the stuff starts making more sense.

and human morality...and western, modern morality? i dont believe in that anymore either. the laws can still screw you, and i'm not gonna go around breaking them either since law enforcement has a knack of persecuting those of us with certain tendencies.

psychology? bah!

am i antisocial? only if you decide that nonconformity is evil.

oh yeah, i dont believe in evil anymore either.

and i feel more or less ok. i see the colors of the planet. i hear the sounds, i taste the flavors, i feel what i feel...without having to put it through the irrational prism of millenia of dogma and tradition.

if god is so perfect: why cant he make a little bit of sense to one of his autistic creations? why make us so incredibly serendipitous? either i'm totally out of bounds, in which case he's just cruel; or the emperor has no clothes, and i was one of the few lucky one able to discern it.

or i may be drunk and bold and more alive and resonating with the universe in that small window that most will ever dream of

but boys are still that tender, ignorant, sweet, fleeting, luminous slice of humanity none of us will ever get over.

no?