Call me Splash! :) No longer FeelingDirty, Thanx
Submitted by Splash! on August 29 2000 03:46:19
In reply to Call me Splash! :) No longer FeelingDirty, Thanx submitted by Bach on August 28 2000 17:34:44
|
I'm feeling much better today -- I haven't felt this good in a long time. My 18-page letter (in 7 parts) was great therapy for me. It opened my eyes to the good that I had done for my "pseudo-stepson" and his mother. I had been a big part of his life for several years and I never gave in to the strong sexual temptations that I often had about him. I didn't realize it until I read the responses to my post, but I had successfully learned to control and channel my feelings for this boy so that it was beneficial for both him, me, and the rest of his family. Maybe I am an "overcomer"? Maybe there is some hope for me? What Satan has meant for evil, God has turned into good, right? Yesterday I was feeling awful about myself before I wrote out my struggles as a boylover. I used the names "FeelingDirty" and "Fundido" (Spanish for "bankrupt") to describe how I felt. Today I don't feel right about using those names to describe who I am. I'm feeling much more positive about myself and my growing relationship with the Lord. I'm choosing to write my future posts under the name "Splash" which is a nickname that some Internet friends have given me because of the connotations associated with it. Splash is a happy joyful word with connotations of water, paint (art), music (cymbal hit), and having fun with others. You won't mind if I stick around and splash some hope and happiness throughout the halls and walls of this support forum, will you? I look forward to sharing more of my experiences and helping others through their personal struggles with the same thing. As I re-read my posts, I noticed some areas where my words were harsh. Please understand that I was feeling anger toward myself as a boylover and didn't mean to insult other boylovers. I am thankful for the kindness and understanding that has been shown to me, and I hope to return this same kindness and understanding to other boylovers. I looked over several more posts in this forum today and something struck me about the many people that post here. I see a lot of intelligence in the words that people write. I also see that there is often a lot of thought put into the things people say to one another here. This is rare in many other forums and newsgroups. It changes my presumptions about what I thought it meant to be called a "boylover." Bach, I want to thank you for the time you put into your very thoughtful response to me. I needed to hear your words. I wonder if true altruism does exist. As Christians, we feel we must pursue the answer to this question. The flesh is not supposed to motivate us, and we're not supposed to do things based on selfishness. But as humans in the flesh, it is almost impossible to not do anything without having a selfish motive. Why do we talk to one another? Isn't communication a type of manipulation? Why do we strive to stay alive by finding food, water, and shelter for ourselves? Why does a Christian tithe? Why does a person give a beggar a dollar? Do we do things merely because we want to feel better about ourselves, and/or do we have a greater purpose in mind? Is it selfish for a man to physically satisfy himself by having intercourse with his wife that he loves very much? Does he have sex for the good of himself, and/or for the good of his wife? Does he enjoy giving her pleasure through the act, and would he continue to do it for her even if he didn't find it pleasurable for himself (if it were physically possible for him to do so)? Why is it that when we want to express love and intimacy with another person that sexual feelings also show up and want to be a part of that expression? In fact, what are "sexual feelings"? Why do they often feel good? Is it a spiritual sensation? Are they good, or bad? What makes them good or bad? Are they merely of the flesh, and are they merely beneficial to the self, or are they something more? There's a lot I don't understand. If I see a boy and feel these "sexual feelings" rise up within me, should I try to quench them and/or feel ashamed of them? Or should I learn something from these feelings? What is it that these feelings are trying to tell me? I don't want to pursue a sexual relationship with any boy, so why do I feel sexual when I see a handsome boy with a good personality? Why am I tempted to get closer and more intimate with him? And why do I feel that sex is a way to express that intimacy with him? Why is there a certain point that I have to consciously stop these feelings from making me do something immoral with a boy? No, I don't believe that my sexual attraction for a boy negates the good things that I do for him because of the attraction, unless I act on that sexual attraction by attempting to have a sexual relationship with the boy or acting out sexually with him. People close to me have called my ex-girlfriend foolish for not encouraging a continued friendship between her son and me. They say that the boy is lucky for having such a strong advocate in his life. And even though my sexual attraction toward him scares me, I have been very successful in not acting on it. I've known him for several years, and I view him as someone very special. I don't *really* feel that he would be better off without ever having known me or ever knowing me again. He and his mom both know that I would do almost anything for him, and that I am always available for him when he needs me. I know that I know that I would do nothing less than to help guide him into a strong relationship with the Lord, helping him to see God's purpose for his life. In fact, this is what I've done for him in the past. Whenever he has called me, he starts talking about his Christian walk and how he's trying to do better. I don't have to say anything. He already knows what I expect of him and want to hear from him -- and it's based on his own personal Christian faith. If it's my sexual attraction that makes me notice certain boys and makes me want to become a part of their life to help them grow as Christian men, then I must learn how to channel these feelings for God's purpose. By doing so, this "thorn" actually becomes a gift. I notice that most "normal" people overlook the children around them and often talk down to them. When the children ran to Jesus, the apostles tried to hold them back, but Jesus said, "Let the little children come unto me for the Kingdom of God belongs to those such as these" (paraphrase). Jesus knew the importance of being an example and an encouragement in a child's life. We must not let the frustrations of our sexual struggles keep us from being the reason a child looks to the Lord and becomes a great man or woman of God. When my young friend expressed his fears to me about certain things that happened to him at school, I told him that he should pray to God each morning before going to school. It was rewarding for me to see him come downstairs, put on his shoes, and then sit down and pray for a couple minutes before going out the door to school. He did this for a couple weeks (without me telling him), and things seemed to work out for him. Hopefully he'll be reminded of this as he goes through other trials in life. There are many more examples like this where I helped disciple him as a Christian. If I wasn't the man in his life that showed such a deep love and concern for him, who else would've done it for him and helped show him the right way? If being a boylover causes me to be such a strong advocate in a young man's life, then so be it. I should not despise it. I should not feel ashamed because of it. I should use it properly. It can be a very honorable thing. Perhaps this is God's will for my life, and "the enemy" sees this and tries to step in and make me feel guilty about it. Perhaps it is a part of who I am and will always be. Maybe I shouldn't be wishing these desires to go away, but instead be learning to control them, overcome them, and channel them in a way that is beneficial to all. Bach, it was your letter that helped me see some of these things more clearly. I thank you for your words, and for the link. I find myself with little time nowadays, but I hope to pursue more community relationships so that I do remain accountable and can help others remain accountable also. God Bless. ~Splash! P.S. If anyone tried to write me at fundido@my-deja.com, the e-mailbox is now open -- it wasn't working earlier. Otherwise, please send personal e-mails, concerns, and questions to splashmale@my-deja.com Thanks. |
Follow ups: