Hello
Submitted by Piemur on January 20 2001 00:54:14
|
Hello. I have been visiting here for some time and finally decided to post. It wasn't easy. By way of introduction, I am a 30 something Christian professional and I am a boylover. It's taken me a long time to realize that and an even longer one to admit it. Like many of you, I have prayed for years that God would change me. I struggled with not being normal, with being a freak, a pervert, and all of the other things we call ourselves at one time or another. I still struggle with it. At times I feel like a hypocrite. If those around me knew what I thought or had in my heart, they would flee. Certainly, I would not have any contact with their sons. I am very involoved in ministry with boys. One in particular right now. I love him. I'd do anything for him. I'd never hurt him or touch him sexually. I'd sooner die. Of course, the average person wouldn't understand this. They would assume that would be my only interest in the relationship. Those of you reading this know it's so much more. Of course, I can only say any of this within this circle (and even then only anonymously). I'm not sure why I'm even taking the risk of admitting it now except that I want to be a part of a group of people who understand whatit is I am. Based on what I have read here, I think you do. I struggle with what God makes of all this. I know from reading the posts here, that some of you beleive God created you as boylovers. That was the way He made you. I'm not so sure of that. I'm more of the opinion that although I didn't choose to be like this, that God didn't make me this way either. So how did I become a boylover? Hmmmmmm. . . . there's the tough question. Am I jsut another product of the Fall? Am I the result of some generational sin that I'm living under the curse of? Or is it something else? Unfortunately, I don't have the answer. I'm not sure if it would matter if I did though, since I am convinved that I can't change it one bit. God could if He chose to. He has not done so. So, that leaves me with having to deal with it. I don't think I deal with it very well though. I still struggle with fantasies about boys. I love them sexually in my mind. Jesus told the disciples that if you commit adultery in your thoughts, you've done so in reality. So, i must conclude that if i commit boylove in my mind, I've done it in reality. That's one of the reasons I have a hard time beleiving God created me this way. I also have a hard time with it because, like it or not, being attracted to boys is out of the natural order that God created. A man shall leave his mother and father and cling to his wife and they shall become one flesh. That is the order God set up. Since God is holy, He can't create something outside of His order. I am outside of that order. Why do I bring all this up? Well, although it would make it easier for me to cope with things if I beleived that God CREATED me this way, I can't beleive that. Some of you do and I'd like to engage in a discussion with you as to why you beleive that. I'm trying to process all of this. It hasn't been easy. I need help. I hope I can find that help there. One more thing. Despite my belief that God didn't create me this way. . . I do beleive that He loves me. I beleive that He loves me furiously and fiercly. He is my daddy. He cares for me and wants to see His best for me. I am on a journey trying to find what that best is and how my being a boylover fits into His plan for me. Thanks for listening. I await your responses and look forward to talking with you brothers and perhaps learning some new things with you. Grace adn Peace, Piemur |
Follow ups: