Just for you Splash!
Submitted by Gideon on January 26 2001 03:41:14
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Yeah, just for you.... I posted a few..just to see which way the proverbial wind was moving here! The last post..I must admit...was a ringer. Just wanted to see the reactions, and they were what I expected. But I knew there had to be somebody that was open and honest enough..someone who could step outside their protective bubble long enough to ask why! Splash..I salute you. This shows me you have heart. I presented a set of facts, or not, be that as it may. It was a completely objective post and I wanted to see who saluted the discrete flag drawn up the flag pole. I have been visiting for about a year or so, just lurking, after having visited another discussion board, and invited to stop by. Evidently what I posted there made some sense to somebody...so why not. You see...one thing I always remember...is that like scripture...the truth stands on it's own, and does not need a defender. The ruth, like a bright searchlight...shows the realities that exist in dark places. One saying.."The dog that is kicked the hardest, yelps the loudest" But...Splash...you said..in effect..."Why me? Explain yourself" I really respect that in a man, or woman for that matter...and so..I will explain myself. It does not matter what others think, because no one here, for the most part, I presume, would die for me...but Jesus has, and I only have to answer to Him and no one else. That makes me strong and unafraid. Therefore the truth cannot hurt me, but only serve to make me more intro- spective. If I cannot improve myself, I cannot hope to help others, and that...is what we are all here to do, whether we like to admit it or not. Okay,.... I was molested at around age 11, and thereafter about 13-14 started having sex with other boys. Because of how I must have come across to others and not been more "masculine"...whatever that means...I was raped at 15. I continued sexual activity with boys going through High school and into the Navy. Of course now it turned into men...of my own age group though. After the Navy and through college now...got into studying mental health. What you might have heard about people going into Psychology mainly to find out what is wrong with themselves is correct..to about 75-80%. As I worked through school I started working with mental patients and along the way with disturbed kids. Whether through contacts at my places of work or acquiantances I mainly started having "experiences" with children. Knowing and experiencing psychological concepts, I moved around like slick butter. Insinuating myself into fatherless families or with children I worked with...with the same backround...I had no problems not only making illicit contacts...but telling myself that I really, after all, just really loved the children, all the while scheming on my next victim. Yes...I held the truth at a distance, because it would have meant taking my life seriously, and really considering these actions on the life of the child in the future. But you see, there was an insidiousness I was covering up within myself. I was empty inside, and that emptiness was filled by the visions of the naked child...as I wanted to be made naked and open to myself. But that would cause to much pain...so...I had to eternalize myself, and love myself through the child, as I could not love myself any other way. It was truly a "catch 22". I did not have an interested and loving father, so I never internalized him. I grew up intellectually, which is why I could fool so many people. But i never grew up emotionally, and so I was always that 13-15 year old boy. I was not really a "boylover"... I was a "self-lover"! I only saw myslef as the boy that needed the love, caring, and acceptance. And since I could not find him within, as no one else seemed to do either...I was a loner...I found that little boy who would be myself in other little boys. It was so simple, yet so complicated. Emotions do complicate issues, when as an adult we are expected to deal with things on an honest and thoughtful manner. It is easier to stick with illicit emotions than the truth, for then we would have to forego the emotions, and then where would we be? Lost? Judge for yourself for the posts you surround yourself. We think we have experiences that no one else will understand, and then when we do, we band together like a pack of wolves to threaten with snarling teeth, that someone might come to not only show us the truth, that we behave like animals, but might actually be here to steal our food, the very thing that we depend on for our existence. Or so we think. But that food that we feed upon, which gives us that insatiable emotional high, is the very children...boys..that we say we love. And when that is not enough...when that emotional soul food does not fill us enough..what will happen then. Like animals on the prowl..we will sink our teeth into whatever young flesh will make us full, whether in our deepests dreams or frightening nightmares, for we really see, that we are devouring ourselves. You have heard of those who have actually taken children, molested them, and then eaten them. You have not heard the last of this. You will only hear what has been going on for years, and yet never seen the light of day. In the next few years, stories like this will become common place. But..I digress. I accepted Jesus the Christ as my Saviour in 1975. I am now 50 years old. Even years after this...I kept on my secret love affair with myself in the faces and bodies of other children. But this was love..wasn't it? You see....that small place within our souls, that emptiness, is meant to be occupied by our creator, and no one else. We try to fill it with money, drugs, power, lust, children, whatever your flavor. That space it meant to be our "core"....the center of our existence. But..nothing will ever fill that space exactly. Like a square peg in a round hole..anything else just never feels totally comfortable. But we try to make it fit and feel comfortable with a little grease called "the lie". So anyway, things kept on, and I felt worse. I had acepted Christ, asked for forgiveness...but that darned word..."repent" kept hounding me. When I heard that word, it sounded like a bad piece of chalk on on a clean blackboard.....screeeeccchhhh! I had to be truthful, and make a change. But I knew only one person could make that change, cause I lacked the POWER. So...I asked the Lord for the gift of the Baptism of the Holy Spirit. One evening while explaining the story of the Tabernacle in the desert, with some friends...what felt like a bolt of lighting hit me in the center top of my head...when down into my chest...at heart level...and exploded. I had never felt that kind of power before. I started crying out loud, telling Jesus I loved Him, and that I would do anything He wanted if I could just have more of Him, and less of the sinful pains that I was bound up with. He was true to my request. Thereafter I was never the same. Even though I masturbated maybe 3-4 times a week with my secret dream lovers..it soon came to be 1 or 2 times...then once a week...then 2 times a month.... I had realized in the realm of the Spirit, that our thoughts can become a reality, and all I was doing was creating dreams, that as far as God was concerned in His realm..were just as much real. I then understood why He said.."if you lust in your heart..it is just as if you had actually done it". And since I knew He saw every act and knew every thought, that I could not hurt Him any longer, for by doing so was like pounding the nails into His hands myself. For did He not die for my sins? It was my sins, whether in thought , word, or deed, that placed those throns upon His head, and whipped His back. That pain...was worse than what i was living with...I could not continue. And so I made the decision to not think on those things. For if I was loving anyone else other than Jesus in my heart, then I could never..ever truly love a child the way Jesus loved children, for then it would be me and not Him doing the loving. All of a sudden..that space inside was made strong and full of righteousness. Love and humility flowed like a river. Oh..I had those other thoughts on occasion, but now I had the power to overcome them...and like a shining shield of brass against oncoming darts of temptation....Wham!...I dispathed them and the demons that fired them. In all my days, I thought..if I had known this, and been under this protection at 11 years old...how different might my life be today. But you see, my parents were not Christians...but Catholics....but that is another story. So...now I have opened a Christian ministry to help those wishing to leave the system, and prepare for the soon coming of the Lord Jesus the Christ. Researching information to help anyone with any problem I can, whether in the physical, emotional, or the spiritual. I am dead to myself, and truly alive in Christ. I can even sit with kids on that odd occasion, and look at them the way Jesus sees them...in innocence. The way He expects them to come to them. Not as some ravaged individual who was used by someone who had not discovered their true identity in the Lord. I could present them to the Lord without having even considered using them in my dreams...but innocent in both their physical presence and my emotional stability. So when you hear of those who have escaped the clutches of any sexual aberration...I can honestly say...it can be done. Am I perfect yet? No I still have those thoughts try and creep in like a frosty breeze under a well worn doorway. But now I have the power to get up and restoke that fire in the fireplace of my heart with the Light of Love and Truth that only Jesus can provide....and I am content. So...Splash....what ya think dude? Have I explained myself in enough detail to make anyone think thay have work to do in their own lives. Or is self love more satisfying? I leave you with this. I really do not judge anyone for what they think or do. For I have been there. But what I do is challenge anyone to re-think their positions, gather up all their strength, and seek the truth in their own lives. I do not have to answer for what they do, but only what I am called to do. And that I do. For I know in whom I have my trust and with whom I will be for ever after into eternity. And that was the choice I made. Whether others will listen and choose to seek the truth. It does not matter to me. I just kick the dust off my feet and move onto the next person who seeks an answer, if only a partial one. For if I linger to long with those who wish to do their own will, and not the will of the Father in Heaven, then I do a disservice to the next person who can really use my help. Do I ever share with anyone else what I have shared with you all this evening. NO...not since I was in therapy around 1978-79, and even then I could not dare to share my deepest darkest secrets. Then why did I share? Because Splash had the guts and heart to ask me in an unthreatening way, that I thought at least what I had to share might make a difference in at least one other life, if not more. For love does not seek it's own, but to draw all men to Christ. So, ya'll....if what I had to say makes a difference in your relationship to Christ, I am satisfied. If not, it's on your head, and not mine. For tomorrow I can awake knowing the Lord has another great day of adventures waiting for me, and that He will use me to His glory. But I will make a difference in someone's life in some way tomorrow. And for the gift of setting me free, to serve the Lord in this way is all I ask, for I am... In His service eternally, Gideon |
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