Which came first - the boylover or the boy?
Submitted by Nate on October 20 2001 00:16:38
In reply to boylove = a love that lasts a lifetime submitted by Splash! on October 19 2001 03:00:11
|
Splash!, this is a great post! You raise many good points. It is going to take me some time to process. I am very tired tonight, and may not be making sense, but here is the first tangent I ran on: Which comes first - the caring or the sexual attraction? I have wondered about this a lot. I still don't know the answer, but I am tending to think that the two happen close together. I know that the reason that I can so easily feel compassion for a boy and begin to care for him is rooted in my history as a lonely boy, desperately in need of a mentor. It has been clear to me for some time that the boy I truly want to love and take care of is ME! The boy I yearn for is an image of my innocent self, back before I became aware of how little love there was in my world. But the fact remains that I am compassionate toward boys, and become easily interested in their affairs. Usually, there is at least some sexual component to my interest. I used to accept the world's view that my sexual feelings were the driving force in my interest in the boys life, and my efforts to get to know him and be closer to him were, in fact, entirely selfish. I don't believe that anymore. Now, I find that there is a more pure love in my heart and I know that my greater desire is to accomplish good in the boy's life - to help him grow, to help him make sense of the world. I think that my sexual feelings must be a reaction to the emotions that I feel. Perhaps it is because I am a man, perhaps it is because the only love I knew as a boy was sexual love, maybe it is because my sexual expression toward women is undeveloped - but for some reason my longing to be close to the boy expresses itself in sexual images. To be honest, I really don't believe anymore that having sex with a boy is going to be very satisfying. No, it is the fantasy that seems to be fulfilling. The reality would be awkward, frustrating, full of fear and guilt. Perhaps the sexual images are an attempt by my brain to imagine what it would be like to be "that" close, to find unity with another person. What if I could imagine what it is like to love unconditionally, to support and mentor freely - to truly love a boy? Nate |
Follow ups: