Feeling empty . . .
Submitted by tigris on December 11 2001 21:29:03
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I need some encouragement or support right about now. I feel so empty. I feel like I've based the past year or two of my life around my relationship with a couple of young boys. I guess I've always known that my relationship with them wasn't really healthy, but I was willing to deal with it. God is making it clear to me now that it was unhealthy, and I think he's trying to get me to realize it for myself. I lived for those moments of knowing that these boys loved being with me. I lived for those moments of them sharing their thoughts and dreams with me. I loved being the one that they came to. Well, it kind of backfired this past weekend. One of them told me that they were planning to run away together. They didn't want me to tell anyone. Well, I had to. I couldn't let them do this. I knew that they needed help within their family to help them deal with things, and running away wasn't the solution. So I told. I had to. Now the one is okay with it, but I don't know if he's going to trust me as much. The other one kind of feels betrayed. I know I did the right thing, but you know what bothers me? All along I was telling myself that I was really trying to help these boys. I had myself convinced that I was good for these boys. I'm sure I have been good for them, but this experience now makes me realize that I was taking too much from this relationship. If I really wanted the best for them, I wouldn't be so upset right now that they're mad at me. I wouldn't be regretting my decision to tell. I was basing much of my identity and sense of well being on my standing with these two boys. Now that I don't know where I stand with them, I don't know what to do. I feel like I'm spiralling out of control. My thoughts are telling me to do desperate things to get them back. I keep thinking things like "the damage has been done" But what damage? Geez, I'm trying to help them! And when I actually do something to help them, I can't help but feeling like it was a mistake. I don't know what to expect from this now. I don't like that I am so dependent on them. I wish I could just forget about all of this. I wish I could have normal friendships with people and not worry about the kids. This is a gift, but it's also a curse. I don't know if I'm willing to continue with this curse. I actually woke up today thinking that I didn't want to face life any more like this. Not that I would ever do anything drastic. There's a difference between being suicidal and just feeling tired of living this way. I've prayed about this for a long time, and my desires don't change. I can't get past this. It's like an addiction. I don't know why I was cursed with this. It's such a lonely, empty, hopeless existance sometimes. I can't even share how I really feel, except when I'm hiding behind this fake name and reduced to simple words typed on a computer screen. You all are great, but you're not the same as real people that I can share with and just hang out with. I don't know if I have any real friends left. Many of them moved away and are getting married, and here I am... I am rambling and venting. But sometimes that's what you need to do. feeling alone, tigris |
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