Re: About Fear...
Submitted by Gentle Giant on January 8 2002 22:24:40
In reply to Re: About Fear... submitted by Chris on January 8 2002 17:11:26
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Thanks Chris. I would be interested to hear more about how you survived such an ordeal in jail. I do not think I could. I want to live, but not like this. I tried to explain things to a close family member and they just made me promise never to tell anyone else in the family, lest I cause them pain over my inner struggles. I guess I understand that, but part of the torment of this all is the silence of it all. I can't say for sure I will make it, I feel like I won't. It is incredible how the mood swings can go from one extreme to the other in such a short period of time. I know suicide would cause many alot of pain and confusion. But is my pain in continuing on in this crap any less valid? Man I am just rambling here and I am sorry for that. I just want to wake up and all of this had been a bad dream. Some mornings I wake up and for a few seconds, I forget it all. I lay there and actually have a smile on my inside. Then it floods back in. I am a BL. I have hurt people. People I loved most in life, or at least thought I did. I have let God down. I let myself down. I suck. And there is no promise I will not do it all again if the opportunity arises. Desire not to.....yes. But I know me. And I know the enemy. He will hound me with this forever. He is relentless. There will be no peace. Peace. My god, what is that? What is it like to go a day and not have these feelings? What is it to go to sleep each night not having had your day racked with guilt and shame? What do others feel who have a real relationship with God that I have only preached about? I long to know, but know I never will. I am sorry. |
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