Looks like I've still got problems
Submitted by Altima on January 26 2002 19:35:38
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I woke up this morning feeling completely empty (metaphorically), which came as a surprise to me. See, since going to this new (much smaller) school, things had been different with my everyday life. People aren't ignoring me like they were in my last school, and the teachers have so much "admiration" (a quote) for me that it seems surreal. I'm almost to the two performance days of my play, and even though I have by far the most lines and the biggest part, I apparently have the best command of the script. I'd written my own one-act play about emotional alienation in suburbia for a play competition held (ironically) by my former school. My teacher liked it enough to ask for his own copy. But I woke up this morning feeling like... it was all... well, not quite sure how to say it without it sounding too worrying. I woke up feeling like everything just didn't matter. I remember back when I first started posting here, around 3 years ago... I was new to the country I'm in now, just begining to deal with a lot of the anti-American attitudes here, and I had been bitter about being sent back a year, because of the different school system. The younger kids proved to be crueller than the older ones (who were merely indifferent.) What I mainly felt was rage, pure unadulterated rage. I scared myself, frankly. I felt fully capable of snapping someone's neck with my bare hands, and worried myself that if someone at school pushed me too far that I would be unable to control myself. There was only one incident, actually, where one particular arse of a kid made some comment that I actually can't remember, I tried to strangle him, but was suppressed, thankfully, by everyone else (there was no teacher around.) They were so accustomed to rough-housing that they really didn't care about my outburst, but I cared. Soon that subsided, and I was just stuck with depression, and obviously simplistic term, probably overemphasising that I felt. I wasn't sad all the time or anything, I just wasn't happy in general. Anyway, this morning, it was probably triggered by my thinking of Haley Joel Osment actually. For a while, I felt completely in love with him actually. Odd, though. Those of you who've read my earlier posts know I consider myself to... ermm, swing both ways, but on the male side I have a specific AoA of pretty much anyone younger than me (though not too young. AoA's are pretty odd things.) But I'd always thought the male side of my affections would be limited to physical crushes and such, limiting the clichéd feeling of love and devotion to females. Anyway, when HJO was concerned, my poor heart skipped a few beats. But after a while, that feeling of love seemed to shift ever-so-slowly to jealousy. All I ever hear about was how damn talented I was, and soon I was angry that I'd never been given the opportunity HJO was given; full glorious public recognition. I felt I could have been starring alongside him had I been given the chance. Naturally these feelings were irrational, but that's what my overemotional side screamed in my ear. And today I woke up feeling: I'm sixteen years old and I've already wasted my damn life. If I were to die tomorrow, willl anyone remember in 50 years? Nah. All I'd have left behind would be some mediocre prose and some bad poetry. At first I thought my 12 Angry Men play was just one essential step towards joining the ranks of Haley Joel Osment. Today I feel like it will be the closest I ever get, and that makes me sad, because if I think that, it may very well come true. I'm not sure if I had a point to this post. Something like that can make forum posts frustrating to write - I begin them without structure. It's venting, and I'm sorry if it's irrelevant, because I haven't mentioned God once yet! How do I feel about God these days anyway? At the moment, I feel ambivalent towards Him. I respect Him, but not to the degree that He obviously desires. I can discuss religion at length with my English teacher (which seems to amaze him. He's still trying to figure out my views, I think. I write anti-war pieces followed by pro-military pieces. I write detailed theological pieces but have a slightly agnostic attitude.) I confuse myself wondering what to feel. When is my life supposed to begin? When shall be I free of this... Limbo called secondary school? At the end, I just have to breathlessly say "I don't know." |
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