Suppressed interest in girls?
Submitted by Jules on January 29 2002 16:51:23
In reply to further insight (reply to Jules) submitted by Splash! on January 28 2002 16:01:01
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Hi Splash! All that talk of boys' butts... Now down to earth again! It's obvious that for both of us, being bl goes back a long way. I wonder if my early "fantasizing" about other boys somehow locked in my future destiny as a boylover? I still had the "normal" growing sexual feelings for girls my age, but my sexual feelings for boys never left.Did you feel free to act on your feelings for girls? My suspiscion is that for most boys growing up, their interest in girls simply becomes so great that any interest they had in other boys is swamped and forgotten. But for this to happen they need to feel free to allow their interest in girls to grow. In my case I was not able to express my interest in girls simply because I had been taught from a very young age (far too young) that it was wrong to "lust after girls" because of Christian morality. I'm not saying I was consciously suppressing my interest in girls, but that ingrained belief must have had a subconscious effect. If my mind knows that I have a belief that it's wrong to lust after girls, then it's going to deal subconsciously with a rising interest in girls by supressing it, before it gets to my conscious awareness. The subconscious mind is very good at "protecting" us from conflicting feelings. The result was that between the age of 7 and 20 I was only ever once aware of being attracted to a girl, while during the same time I was attracted to an innumerable series of boys. By contrast, I'd never had anything drummed into me about "not lusting after boys" because that was never in the picture at home at all, and so there was nothing in my subconscious mind that worked to suppress that interest. (I'd had a general warning against "homosexuality", but that was something adult men did, so it didn't impinge on my boyhood interest.) A lesson to all parents to give their children a generally positive view of sex rather than a negative one! Nudity didn't seem to be a problem, but I've always been modest. I hated being nude at school in the boys' locker-room for a couple reasons. 1) Because I feared I might get turned on in the sight of them, and 2) Because I didn't want them thinking I wasn't as pretty as them (or something like that). I still feel that way -- like I'm not "pretty" enough; though, from what others tell me, I'm far from ugly. This may have a link back to my father taking my brother places but leaving me home alone -- my not feeling accepted. And this may have a link with my wanting to be accepted and loved by other males, especially boys my age.I think you're more consciously aware than I am of something that's probably true for me as well. I knew that I was a weakling, I didn't enjoy sport, and so on. I can't remember that affecting wanting to be seen naked, but it certainly had other effects in terms of lack of friendship. (Actually, which was cause and which was effect I can't really tell.) I generally avoided nudity as a child, but it wasn't because of being afraid of being seen aroused. (In fact I can remember in one of my more daring moments at about 13 showing myself off as a "towel-hook" if you know what I mean...) My general avoidance of nudity was simply because of the belief system drummed into me by my parents. "Nudity equals lust equals sin." Even at school I was so ruled by my parents' beliefs that I wouldn't do anything against it, except when I was being very daring as I got a bit older. By about 13 I suppose I was beginning to realise rationally that my parents couldn't know what I was doing when I was away from home, and wouldn't tell me off for it. Gosh, how unhealthy is that? A boy who doesn't allow himself even any hint of rebellion against his parents until his teens, because he's afraid of offending their moral code, which he has come to share so much that it represses him. That was me, folks. And I suppose that was my view of what God was like as well, until much more recently. Wow, just realise how much our view of God is shaped by our parents! Let's all do what we can to provide positive advice to boys growing up today! With Christian love, Jules |
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