Feeling really down
Submitted by Ben on February 11 2002 20:25:09
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Hey All, Not really looking for any response here, I just feel desperately that I need to talk and I don't know where else to go. I have been miserable lately. It is winter time and I get depressed. There are not a whole lot of boys in my life right now, except for Sunday's and it is making me realize how much I depend on boys to survive emotionally every day. I was suppose to get together with TJs Mom this week to talk about working with him on a regular basis and she called me to reschedule. She said that TJ has been so bad at school that she has to meet with his teachers and the principle. She said that she doesn't know what to do with him, so she is not letting him out of his room except to go to school. I do think that she has needed to tighten the reigns on him, amen that she is doing it. But slowing down the process of us building a relationship is not going to help him. He is not going to change from being locked in his room. It will keep him safe, but it won't bring about any long term change. But as I hung up the phone, as my heart sank, knowing that it will be another week or two still to wait to see him, I realized that God can't use me to help TJ if I need TJ to survive my day. I can't lean on a ten year old boy for my emotional stability. I've got to lean on God for that, and then TJ can lean on me. So, maybe God has good intentions by making me wait some more. But it just hurts right now. I'm lonely and my life feels very very useless. I hate the weeks because I hate work, and I hate the weekends because I spend half of them just running from temptation. I'm feeling really hopeless right now and I hate this feeling. I don't want to hurt anymore. I hate the pain. You are not alone. Love, Ben |
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