Hi Sally

Hi Sally, I've been here in the background reading everything you've written. I really appreciate a lot of what you've been saying, and I'm thankful that God has placed you here for now. Thanks for the time and effort you've put into your responses. There's just a couple things I want to share with you now, in reply to some things you have said. I'm a heterosexual who is sexually attracted to boys. I've had some very attractive girlfriends, including the one I'm with now and my last one. She and I bought a house together, cars, had a joint checking account, and lived as if we were married, but we never got married. She had children. Her son and I were very close -- so much so that his mother tried to get her ex-husband to give me his parental rights so I could adopt the boy and be his legal father. The boy and I had a very spiritual relationship. In the beginning, he used to call me the Bible man. I started mentoring him before his parents got the divorce. We did a lot of Bible studies. I discipled him, and checked up on him every week or so to see that he was "doing what Jesus would do" in his daily walk. He was on his way to be a great man of God, and I was there to encourage him. This same spiritual relationship between us continued during the several years we lived together, except then I started to become more than a friend to him. I became a father-figure who had charge over his discipline. When he strayed from his Christian walk, I was right there to "lecture" him about it. But inside I was struggling. I was fighting battles every day. The boy was drop-dead gorgeous (as others used to call him). Even normal heterosexual men (doctors, friends, family) would stop me to tell me how good-looking he was. It was very apparent. And as he got older, the more I became sexually attracted to him. Believe me, I tried so hard not to be. But here he was in my house -- I saw him every day! And here I was, a Christian -- how could I let these thoughts overtake me? Please know that I also loved his mother and found her very attractive. We were the best of friends. We could talk about anything, and no matter what we did together, it was always fun. And we shared a spiritual relationship. A lot of times we ended our day reading something out of the Bible and talking about it, and then praying. Yes, we should've been married. We'd probably still be together if we had married. There were a lot of reasons why we were hesitant, and the wedding date kept getting pushed 6 months into the future. I eventually left her after a long series of arguments about many different things. She begged me back, and I returned for a short time, and then left again for the same reasons. Needless to say, my heart was torn apart -- completely broken. She and I used to be the best of friends. We never could get that back. And now, I was separated from the children to whom I had no legal rights. I couldn't see them or call them. I could only write them letters and send cards. Several months later her son wrote me a very nice three page letter to thank me for everything I did for him, but he also told me that his mom didn't want him talking to me. About a year later I got a call from her. She told me she was very thankful for my being there for her and her family, and she really liked the letters I had been writing to her son. We became friends again through e-mail, and then suddenly everything stopped. The last time I called her, she hung up on me. One of my letters got returned. And now she deletes my e-mails. It is very unlike her. She has always talked about grace and forgiveness, and I have no idea why she seems to hate me so much. Maybe she figured out that I'm also a pedophile? I don't like that word since mostly we hear about the pedophiles that do terrible things to children. I never touched any kids in that way. I certainly hope she doesn't think I did. I know she knows the same Jesus I know -- the One who forgives us and helps us to be overcomers. Jesus is here for the repentant pedophile that sexually molested a child, and the repentant pedophile that fights the thoughts that run throughout his mind. And that's why I'm here, in this forum. I need support and encouragement to deal with these things. Where else am I going to go? The doctors call it an illness, but as a Christian, I know it as something more than that. It can't be healed (completely) with psychology. Only Jesus can help me through the sinful aspects of being a boylover (mostly the thoughts). Who else is truly going to help me? My friends, family, and even my church would think I was beyond all help -- even though many of them are godly Christians. Plus, a lot of them would see me as a danger to their children even though I know that I know I would never harm a child. Why should I put that needless fear into them? I could go on and on about it all, but I wanted to keep this brief. A lot of us live very normal lives -- we just have this part of us that we need to daily keep under control and in obedience to Christ. But, really, doesn't almost everyone have some kind of "thorn" they must deal with? For those who let it -- it keeps us humble, and keeps our focus on God, our hope and salvation.