Confused/Depressed
Submitted by Daniel on April 3 2002 18:17:45
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I apologize in advance for the length of this message. My name is Daniel. I am 19 years old. As long as i can remember, i have been attracted to other boys. i was attracted to them before i knew it was "wrong." i remember having sleepovers when i was around 5 years old and pulling down my friend's pants to see his penis. i had no knowledge of sex, though, and this was merely out of curiousity. At the same time, i have always been attracted to girls, although i have had a hard time being accepted by them (not because i'm not good looking...many people tell me that i am...but because i was always too shy or self-conscious). As i've matured, my love for girls my own age is still strong, but my love for younger boys has grown much stronger (i didnt seriously consider boys as sexual objects until i hit puberty and began masturbating). i don't like guys my own age or older...masculinity turns me off. i generally am attracted to boys right around the age of the onset of puberty (11-14). in my heart i feel this attraction is wrong, and i would never act on it, as i know it would be detramental to do so. i've done much reading on the internet on this topic and have found some explanations that make sense. one is that i was not accepted by boys my age around 11-14 years old, was dying for their affection, and eventually mixed up my feelings for male companionship with sexual desire. My first kiss was at the age of 17 (with a female...a very attractive one, i might add). two weeks later, my best friend (17 year old male) started making out with me and gave me oral sex while we were sleeping together after a party. I didn't really have any friends besides him, and i really longed for affection, so being with him felt right. However, i did not like the physical aspects of our relationship (ie, giving him oral sex). I have struggled with my own sexuality and come to the conclusion that I am not sexually attracted to men...but my love for young boys still lingers. What's wrong w/ me? How do these feelings generally come about? Is there any way to get rid of them and just concentrate on my attraction to girls? Would having a girlfriend help get rid of them? I try not to fantasize about boys but my mind won't let it go. Please help me! -Desperate and Confused |
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