My crisis of faith....
Submitted by Ringo on 2002-10-28 10:05:21, Monday
|
Well, perhaps it is not so much crisis as it is a gradual erosion of the beliefs of my youth. I find myself quite confused and depressed by the way I feel about God, religion, and my own place in the world. My orientation, my childhood, my mental state...every part of me contributes to my inaibility to really FEEL life most of the time. Granted, I've gotten better ever since I found an online and rl community of bl's to help get me through the rough times, but I miss the days when I could put my faith in something higher than myself. I can still remember the night before my confirmation quite clearly. We were in church praying, preparing for the ceremony that took place the following morning, and we were also to have a final confession, to "clear our souls" as it were before we became a true member of the Christian faith. And I remember how I walked around and between the pews, dodging any and all attempts to get me into the confessional. You see, I was very much in love with a boy in my youth group at the time, and I felt very disgusted and depressed by that love. I felt that I was unworthy of god's love because of the way I felt about my friend C. Four years later...heck, 10 years later, and I still haven't had that final confession. I just can't put myself in someone else's hands that completely. Yet. It also has to do with my conflict of feelings, which is something I have been very earnestly discussing with a devout friend of mine. It is his belief that, if he is to truly be a representative of Jesus and the Christian faith, he must refrain from sexual activities with boys that he loves. Now, tossing aside all legal issues (because laws or not, I'm never gonna have sex. It's too scary for me still. This is just stuff I've been going over in my head), why can't one be a true Christian AND have sex with boys if they are willing and it is done out a desire to seek unity between two loving souls? Could someone please explain this to me, for I do not understand. I don't even know what the whole point of this post is. I think it's just that I want to believe that God made me this way for a reason, you know? That there's some job I have to do or role that I have to fill that can make me feel better about being villified and practically assured of never finding a loving partner in this life. Not that God has to be fair, of course. I know. There are billions of people worse off than I. But true happiness has been something that has escaped me all my life, as has love and comfort on that most intimate level. And my body aches for it. I need love just like everyone else, and if I can't have another human return that love I could settle for having God fill that role. I try to feel Him, and I try to put all my faith in Him and live my life in such a way that will make Him happy for keeping me alive all these years. But I can't feel Him there. Why can't I? Am I doing something wrong? Is there something wrong with me? I don't want to feel so alone all the time; I really, truly, honestly don't..... ((())) Ringo |
Follow ups: