Scenes from childhood
Submitted by Jules on 2002-11-8 12:51:56, Friday
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I've been thinking recently about my childhood and teenage years and trying to trace my boylove back as far as I can, to understand it more. I don't believe any of us will ever be able to identify "the cause" of why we are boylovers, but I think I've found it helpful, and worth sharing a bit. The most relevant time in my life seems to have been when I was 12, and had the only "boyfriend" I've ever had. He was also 12, and we were together for only a few months. We were best friends, but it was sexual as well. In fact, I'd say we were best friends only because it was sexual. It all started because I let on to some other boys at school that I fancied this boy, who I didn't know before, and they started making fun of it and asking me why. "Would you like to kiss him?" "Yes!" "Go on, then! Kiss him!" They grabbed him and held him while I kissed him. I was ashamed, but the next thing I knew, he started inviting me over to his place, and that was that! We weren't together much around in school, but once the summer break came, we spent a lot of time together. At least, it seems like a lot of time because of how significant it was to me, but if I really think about it, it was probably only a handful of days. I never invited him to my place, because I was too scared of my parents, knowing that as we were Christians I was supposed to be opposed to homosexuality. I think it's a shame for the church that the only real influence my faith had on my sexuality in those days was to create fear. Anyway, whenever we were alone in his room we would look at and touch each other's willies. Once I remember sitting on the couch with him watching TV, hands down each others pants. That's about as far as we went, although maybe we would have done more if I'd been braver. Once he jumped on top of me on his bed and started humping, and I remember him asking me once to strip off completely, but I was afraid of his mum catching us out, and I refused. I don't really know why even now, but for one reason or another, maybe my reticence, maybe not, the relationship didn't last, and when we went back to school after the summer, it was as though we'd never even known each other. He got in with a group of other friends, but I found it harder. The only way I knew to get a friend was to get a boy I loved to love me back, like he had done, but for the rest of my school days this never happened. I fancied a number of boys in turn and tried to get them interested in me, but it just didn't work. I was longing for the intimacy I had briefly known, and even now I still long for it. Even now I wish I'd not been so scared, and that we'd stayed together, grown up together, and done more together. I don't regret what we did, it was only natural to us at that age; what I regret was my irrational fear of being caught, and being unwilling to go on. Thinking about it all recently, I've been surprised by how strongly the feeling hits me. The love and the sexual desire for him all comes flooding back. That alone is proof that this was a significant time. Once aged 18, I did try something sexual with another 18-year-old after an evening of heavy drinking - but that I really do regret. And that really is part of the reason I have feelings for boys aged 12+ or so. I am longing for that original relationship to resume where it left off. I want to go back to his room, and say Yes to stripping off. I want to go back and say Yes to whatever other ideas he or I would have come up with. I wonder how my sexuality would have developed if we had stayed together throughout our teens. Instead of now loving boys, would I have grown up gay, loving other adult men my own age? Or would we have gradually "grown out" of our sexual activities and started going for girls? I really don't know; more importantly, I don't think I can ever know. The question is of academic interest, but has no real-life relevance. As for the other boy, I've not seen him since he left school at 16, and I've no idea how he turned out. I have a suspicion he did get sexual with his best friend after me, but I don't know for sure. I did hear that they were still close friends 10 years later, and keeping themselves to themselves, so maybe they were a happy couple! This 12-year-old was not the first boy I fancied, although he was the first one I ever let on about. I can remember aged 10 being curious about one particular boy's willy when he ran around wearing just a tee-shirt. I know I had a crush on another 8-year-old when I was 8, and I can just about remember thinking that another boy looked "cuddly" when we were both 6 or 7. I wonder whether these earliest feelings are the distinctive marks of someone destined to be a boylover, or whether they are normal feelings that many boys have, and grow out of? I suspect that the intensity of feeling I had by the age of 12 was unusual, but I don't know whether it grew to that point because of any specific factors, or because it was always destined to. I wonder whether anything now could change me from being a boylover, and I have to honestly say I don't think it could. What I have found recently, in my thirties, is an increasing interest in girls and young women which I never had before, and I'm hopeful that this will eventually lead to a relationship, but I suspect the boylove will never go away. The only way it could go away is if I were to go back to my 12-year-old boyfriend and grow up with him all over again, and even then I don't really know what the outcome would be. This is all very open-ended, so would anyone else like to share their childhood story for comparison? Does anyone recognise some of the things I've shared in their own life? For those who prefer to get straight to the questions rather than stories, here are the questions I think I've effectively uncovered in my own story:
With Christian love, Jules |
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