quite the flick
Submitted by Jeremy on March 17 1999 at 12:44:44
|
(this is long and self-indulgent as usual, sorry :-P) 'sup dawgs, I haven't been around for a while and i've missed the opportunity to 'vent' my introversion-produced reflections on my (our) condition. I just haven't felt like I have anything to say lately. But I saw the movie 'Shadowlands' last night for the second time and, man, that thing kicks. I love that movie. If anyone hasn't seen it, rent the thing. It's the story of C.S. Lewis's brief marriage to Joy Greshem and the effects of love on his life. I've heard it isn't terribly historicaly accurate, and it is a little over-sappy at times, but it still makes me cry. And Joseph Mazzello has a large role and is absolutely amazing as Joy's son Douglas. I'd love to know what others who've seen the movie thought about it. But I don't want to just plug the movie with this post, there's application to my life I could use some feedback on. The first time I saw the movie (little over a year ago), I had not yet accepted my boylove-ness as something God intended me to have for the rest of my time on Earth. I guess I felt that my condition was the result of psychological issues generated by the corruptness of this world, and had nothing to do with God's intentions. Though this still may be the case, I've since (thanks in large part to this forum) tentatively concluded that I'm going to be attracted to boys for some time to come yet, and I need to deal with it. God can work with anything, no matter it's origin, if we give it up to Him. My recent thoughts and directions have been to focus on the 'love' of boylove, and not the lust that has ruled my life. The lust is what I'm afraid of. I don't think I could ever 'cross the line' and pursue a sexual relationship with a boy (consentual or otherwise), but there has to be some worth in the love aspect of my condition. I know that side of things is pure. As for the movie, the gist of the message is that people must open themselves up to love before they really experience anything. This is because love is extreme happiness and suffering at the same time. The ultimate high, and the ultimate low for us as humans. CSLewis hadn't let anything real into his life until he allowed himself to fall in love with Joy. For him, that was a process of giving up the control he had over his life. He was now connected to this other person, and suffered with her as much as he laughed with her. Anyway, it got me to thinking about the few times I've really been 'in love'. I know I've felt the passion as deep as any hetero could have, both happiness and suffering. Although for me as a boylover, love usually falls in the quiet suffering category. The most in love I've been was when I was 14-15. He was also 14-15 and my best friend. That was the only time I can remember when I truly felt like I could spend the rest of my life with one other person and be happy. I, of course, never told him and suffered silently a long time. Looking back, I kick myself because we definately had a special friendship that went beyond what I had with guys who I know were hetero, and I think the feelings may have been mutual. But, hey, there are other factors at work in an adolescent mind that cloud what's important. Though there are times when I'm struck, I haven't been in love like that since. I think that is due to the age I was at. I was old enough to know adult love, yet young enough to still be attracted to boys my own age. We were the same. Now when I fall in love, there is the age-gap that usually prevents it from developing into what I felt for my friend in 9th grade. In light of the movie's message (which transcends CSLewis's life), which was that you need to love if you want to be human, how will I ever feel true mutual love now that I'm much older than those whom I fall in love with. This throws a small wrench into the workings of the idea that God intends boylove to function like heterolove. If it is just one sided for us, there is only the suffering and not the happiness. Well, the re's happiness I guess, but not the mutual-love-relationship-sameness-happiness that is so sweet. Perhaps the happiness for us is reserved for the after life while we suffer now, and the lessons that come from love are the same in the end. I don't know, thanks for reading this much and please let me know what you think publicly or privately. love ya, jeremy jeremyrock@hotmail.com |