Pat's Pat (longer post)
Submitted by Pat on March 23 1999 at 23:44:03
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When I was a teenager, it was easy to accept the fact I was drawn to boys. While your in the closet, its easy to envision yourself as apart of mainstream society. When I turned 19 is when I knew that I was both gay and attracted to boys. At first, I tried to ignore the boys. Repressing the desire only makes you desire them more. I prayed nightly to God asking him to take this part of my soul away. I have thrown coins in the fountains and wished on a dozen stars, and combed through exhasting amounts of religious and psychological books hoping that I would find a cure. I became bitter to God. I dedicated so much time and energy volunteering and doing good, this one small request to allow me to stop desiring boys was surely justified. The hardest part of being a boylover is excepting the fact that there is no cure. You can channel the desire, but not eliminate the desire. As a child, I possessed a great amount of will, and had no trouble abstaining from alcohol and drugs growing up. In the same way I approached my passion for boys with abstenence. I avoided boys like the plague, and put them out of my mind as much as possible. The desire for boys wears you down, and tears your soul apart. You do not want to live because you fear yourself... you do not want to die because you fear God... You hope there is an oblivion, where all things cease. You wish you were never born. Eventually, when the drive overwhelms you, inevidably you obtain various pictures, stories, fantasies to release your tension. However, there are psychological reprocussions for giving in to the carnal aspects of one's being. Boys become nothing more than an object than a living, breathing, person of God. The only part of myself that allows me to live each day is the fact I never abused or harmed a child in any way. I have already accepted the fact that if God does exist, I will be eternally damned for who I am. While I am here, if I can help just one person reach grace in the eyes of God, my life would be meaningful and worth whatever punishment is meant for me. At least I can take pride and honor in knowing that I strived for good in my life. I could have easily went to seminary school and dedicated my life to serving God. I don't understand why God made me this way. Do I really serve God better as a boy lover? Does God realize the struggle and pain I endure every day? How can God create people to be condemned? Are my efforts in vain? Does it matter if I spend 10 or 50 years never abusing a child? Would anyone appreciate it? Does anyone care? The only person in my life who truly accepts me is Pat. If God has sent me one miracle, it's Pat. If my lesson in life is to learn the value of unconditional love, then I have learned the lesson well. If God has the ability to grant to others the same unconditional love, then how can he condemn those that he loves? I could never condemn anyone that I love. Do we condemn ourselves instead? I am outcasted by my own gay community cause I am so conservative. I enjoy being monogamous, religion, tradition, and respecting my family. I have the desire to own a pickup truck, watch football and fix up the house. I am caught between worlds, I am not straight, I am not gay, I am not a boylover. I don't fall into a nitch. Sometimes I wonder what it would be like to wake up and be 'apart of something', to be easily classified in a category. |