a piece of me
Submitted by Jeremy on June 07 1999 at 13:06:20
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Hey crew, I feel like I know a lot of you since I read this list often, yet I realized how little I’ve posted and how selfish that is. I’m always hesitent to post thinking I should wait until I have some amazing insight to share. And since I realized that that rarely (if ever) occurs, I decided to just post a leisurely message of introduction. I’m graduating from college this week, and God is the reason for that. I don’t have plans for my future other than where I’ll live in the Fall. I have no job plans, but will hold out for a service oriented position somewhere until the pressure to pay the bills catches up with me. I have lots of friends, yet no one knows that I’m a boylover so sometimes I feel quite alone. I’ve come close to telling a guy I’ve roomed with for the past two years about my orientation, but have always chickened out. He’s a few years my senior and an ‘ex-homosexual’ himself. He’s pretty up front about this, however I know that he still struggles mightily with his orientation after nearly 12 years of being a Christian and I fear that if I come out to him, it might disrupt his equilibrium. This fear stems from the fact that I’m not nearly as convinced as he is that I will ‘change’ if I pray hard enough. A huge part of my walk with the Lord so far has been a battle with lust, and attempting to control that destructive aspect of my sexuality. Yet, despite how much I’ve prayed and abstained and done whatever I’m supposed to do, my extra-ordinary love for boys remains strong. The lust seems to dissipate, but the love does not. So, if I come out to my older friend, and am not as willing to pursue ‘the change’ as he is, it might be disruptive for him. And there’s always that fear in me that God does have him on the train to heterosexuality and my influence could derail that locomotive. Those are some thoughts, I’d love to hear more about everyone, and share more about myself. Let me know what you think. -Jeremy |