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Submitted by Rab on September 24 1999 at 20:52:47
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I'm writing because I'm alone and tired of hiding what I am. I only know I was born with the desires I have. I'm a boylover. I can't change what I am, I've tried. I can't drown what I am in alcohol, I've tried. What am I to do? Drugs, alcohol, Christ, and I still have the feelings I have, what am I to do? I tell people I wish I could live in a cave, they don't know why, I can't tell them. I'm so alone. I love Christ, and want to serve Him with all my heart, but I can't change who I am or what I am. The feelings are there, and they won't go away. I resist for awhile, and then I look, and wish, and hope, only to be dissapointed again, because it's not real, it can never last. How can you love something for a season? I'm not homosexual as far as liking other men, I don't even have feelings for other men, just boys. I don't understand why God has called someone like me. How can I live a life pure in heart, free from guilt and shame. I struggle daily with these feelings of remorse. I can't shake the fact that I'm a Christian boylover, is this even possible, I ask myself. For this reason I've ran from God, only to be called back time and time again. God won't give up on me, even though I've given up on myself, and allowed the Devil to rule in my life figuring there is no hope of change, so why try, but the emptiness without God ruling is unbearable as well. Which way do I turn? I can only hope to share with others how I feel, maybe this will bring some peace of mind, knowing that there are others stuggling with the same feelings can only bring hope to those of us who have been alone for so long. How do you share with others the fact that your a boylover, you don't dare. Why I found this site I don't know yet, how to use it is foreign to me as well. I guess I'll learn as time goes by. I'm not sure what I'm looking for, maybe compassion, I don't know. Maybe someone to tell me it will be alright. I only hope maybe I can someday help others struggling. Please keep me in your prayers always, your brother in Christ |