I'm ready to ask for help now!
Submitted by Brian on October 07 1999 at 00:26:23
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Hi all, Today I spent a lot of time asking Jesus for forgiveness. You see, last night I came to a number of realizations about where I am and what has led me to my circumstances. I have really been struggling since June/July about my love for boys, my own sexuality and the abuse of my sexuality. My love for boys, I do not see as being sinful. My sexuality is in itself good because God gave that to me; it is a part of who I am; my nature. The abuse of my sexuality, however, is where my sin lies. As I begin to reflect on what surrounds the worst times of my life, I have seen a great deal of “acting out” on my part. Sometimes it was inappropriate, other times it was downright sinful. I have always been a person who tried to keep it all inside. During the worst of times, even those who know me best could not tell that anything was wrong. I could hide anything inside of me – for a while (at least until I could get by myself). Nobody knew that I was hurting so much inside, but I was and I sought to sooth the hurt through masturbation at first and other things later on. As long as I can remember I have always been fascinated with other boys. Some of the first chances I ever got to play “doctor” usually involved passing up the girls to see the boys. By the time I was eleven I was looking for any chance I could get to see boys naked. I was 12 or 13 before I realized that something was different. All my friends were talking about girls, and I wanted to talk about boys, but had to keep my mouth shut. I was really beginning to think that there was something wrong with me. I got caught jacking-off once by my mom and had it resoundingly confirmed that I had something seriously wrong with me. But, I was not going to let on. I was too proud of the fact that I was seen as the perfect boy. It was an advantage that I did not want to give up, because behind closed doors I was anything but perfect, and I knew it. As I have reflected on the details of what went on behind those closed doors, I have started to come to some real scary realizations of who I am. I am a boylover! (although I don’t see anything wrong in that by itself), but I did let it come out in some very wrong ways. In the same respect, I just lived for myself. I protected myself as best I could. But, I always kept Jesus at a distance in this one part of my life. I really lived a split life. Well, this summer, those two parts of my life really came close because I went on a pilgrimage to the Holy Land. I was in Israel for 6 weeks, Egypt for 6 days, Jordan for 2 days and Rome for 10 days. Being on a pilgrimage for that long really wears one out physically and mentally and spiritually (not to mention never being alone). I finally, one day, succumbed to the realization that I had better do something about my life. And so I vowed to do so. After I was back, reality hit me again. Things were falling apart in my life still from the financial disaster that had happened last year. I quickly fell into finding pornography on the Internet again. (That stuff is way too easy to find for being as illegal as it is.) Anyway, in the last couple of months I have nearly self-destructed myself with guilt about what I was thinking about doing and being a Christian. I wanted to live out the pilgrimage, but was so deep into sin that it kept perpetuating itself. The worse I felt for doing what I was doing, the more I did it. Well, last night I was writing about all this and the realization came to me that I was addicted to sex. I came to the realization that if I wanted to stay Christian I was going to have to give the sexual abuse of myself up. I was going to have to quite beating myself up, and give myself fully over to Jesus. I was going to have to learn how to handle my sexuality in a healthy way. As I tossed and turned half the night thinking, praying and crying about this all I prayed for it all to be gone(and I mean all of it). But Jesus did not deem it essential that the member causing so muc h harm, by requiring so much attention, need be removed. It is still there, and I am sure it will be a bone of contention (forgive the pun) for the rest of my life. Anyway, when I got up this morning I knew that I was going to have to take this all to Jesus again today and ask for forgiveness. It has been a grueling day, but I was led to a passage at the end of John’s Gospel that really woke me up. Once the insight came I just wanted to post it to see if anyone has something to add. More perspectives allow the text to speak in a fuller way, and so I put this out to all of you. I was reflecting on how Jesus could possibly forgive me for some of the stuff that I had done in my past. I have really messed things up in my life. In Chapter 21 of John’s Gospel, John writes: 21:1 After this (Jesus’ resurrection and appearances in Jerusalem), Jesus revealed himself again to his disciples at the Sea of Tiberias (I actually stood in the area that this must have happened)…. Simon Peter decided to go out fishing and the others went along, but they caught nothing. They came in at dawn and saw a man (Jesus) standing on the shore. He asked them what they caught and they said “nothing” whereby Jesus told them to throw their net out one more time. They did and caught 153 large fish. At this they realized that it was the Lord. Peter jumped in the water and came to Jesus. When the rest got to shore Jesus invited them to come for some breakfast. 21:15 When they had finished breakfast, Jesus said to Simon Peter, “Simon, son of John, do you love me more than these?” He said to him, “Yes, Lord, you know that I love you.” He said to him, “Feed my lambs.” 21:16 He then said to him a second time, “Simon, son of John, do you love me? He said to him, “Yes, Lord, you know that I love you.” He said to him, “Tend my sheep.” 21:17 He said to him the third time, “Simon, son of John, do you love me?” Peter was distressed that he had said to him a third time, “Do you love me?” and said to him, “Lord you know everything; you know that I love you.” [Jesus] said to him, “Feed my sheep.” You may ask what does this passage have to do with forgiveness. I had to think about it for awhile also, but then it struck me like a lightning bolt out of the blue sky. If you go back to John 18: 25-27 or Matthew 26:69-75 or Mark 14: 66-72 or Luke 22: 56-62 you will see the great apostasy – Peter’s denial of Jesus. Just a few days before this encounter on the north shores of the Sea of Galilee, where Jesus stood by Peter and asked him if he loved him, Peter did not stand by Jesus and love him. Peter’s sin, the sin of apostasy, was seen to be the gravest sin possible, but in those three identical questions, Jesus extended his forgiveness to Peter. In that forgiveness, Jesus promised Peter a hard life of spreading the gospel. He also promised a death that would imitate his own. For Peter was to be crucified like our Lord, but only upside down because he did not feel himself worthy to die in the same exact manner as the Lord. As I thought about this, I really had to bring myself to the conclusion that I am forgivable. If Jesus could forgive the horrible sin of Peter, he can forgive me. I think that Peter was getting worried at the third question about what was about to come. I think that I would be cringing at the point of the third question thinking, “oh boy, he doesn’t believe me. Here the master has come to condemn me to eternal damnation for sure.” That is not Jesus’ style. He forgives so easily. Peter must have been feeling as terrible as I feel now. He had turned his back on the Lord. I'm almost sure that he must have been seeking some kind of forgiveness. But, look at what Peter was graced with even, with this really big sin. He was led to Rome where Christ built a church upon the foundations that Peter laid there by converting so many to Christianity. I have to believe that if Jesus could do that for Peter, he could at least forgive me of my sins, and lead me to do his work among hi s sheep and lambs. (I just want to take a break to relate this story to you. Peter saw Jesus one more time after Jesus' Assension into heaven. As Nero's persecution of the Christians was at it's peak, and Rome was burning to the ground because of Nero's stupidity, Peter was on the road running from Rome for mortal fear of his life. About 6 miles outside of Rome Peter saw a man running toward Rome. He stopped him and told him it was not a good idea to be going into Rome this day and told him to get away relating the news of what was happening. The man turned to Peter and said that he must enter into Rome so that he could be crucified again. At this Peter recognized the man as Jesus and immediately turned around and ran back into Rome himself where he was captured that day and crucified the next. This story is related in the writings of Pope St. Linus who succeded St. Peter as pope in the year 67ad.) It is in this, Jesus' forgiveness, that I now place my hope. I know, in my head, that he has forgiven me of my sins, but now I have to figure out how to accept that forgiveness – know, in my heart, that I am forgiven. As I am in such a critical phase of this conversion I know that I am going to experience some weak moments in the time ahead. If any of you have any advice that will keep me strong, I would surely appreciate it. I know that Jesus led me to CBLF for a reason. Two and a half weeks ago I was at my worst ever. On the worst day I stumbled upon this forum completely by accident. I can’t believe what a rough two weeks this has been, but I wouldn’t trade this for anything in the world. To start rebuilding this relationship with Jesus is going to be a challenge, but one I want to take up. So, please, I am willing to be helped now. I don’t ask for help often, but I am now, and I am praying up a storm in my life. This process of conversion is like few conversions that I have ever gone through. This one hurts like crazy. With that I want to stop because I think I am rambling on now. So, with the grace, peace, love and joy of Christ, I put this out to you all. With love, your brother, Brian |