Not sure what to think
Submitted by ChoirBoy on December 14 1999 at 04:27:38
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Hi. This is the first time I have ever come out and talked about this stuff before. I figure this is a good place to do it, because it seems like a welcoming and nonjudgmental place. I've noticed over the past few years that I really like boys. I seem to notice them when I pass them on the street or when they walk into a room. I've caught myself snapping my head around when I drive past a field where boys are playing soccer. I watch movies that have boys in them, even kids movies, just to bask in the boy actor's presence. I like boychoirs and boy soloists. Listening to boychoir music puts me in a peaceful mood. For instance, right now I am listening to The American Boychoir's album "Hymn". They are singing "Lamb of God". Beautiful. And I love being with boys. Just over Thanksgiving, I was at my brother's house for my neice's baptism, and his friend's two boys were there, aged 6 and 9. They were adorable, and I found myself learning about Pokemon (of all things) and looking at their vast card collection while I talked with them. Later on, we played a game of monopoly, and Justin, the 9 year old, was the sweetest kid I know, giving me loans and making sure that I didn't get bankrupted and stayed in the game. 6 year old Matthew came and sat on my lap while my brother and sister-in-law opened gifts for my neice, while Justin called to me from the other room wanting to continue our Monopoly game. I had a great time with them and realized again just how wonderful boys are. The realization that I like boys so much has taken me several years to arrive at. Evidence just kept building (the movies, the boychoirs, etc.), but I wouldn't admit it. Well, finally I admit it. I've been, and to a certain extent remain, confused, though. I've experimented with pornography gotten off abpb and other places on the Internet, and I'm a frequent visitor to Boylinks. I certainly have some sexual fantasies mixed with lust toward boys, but I don't generally have sexual feelings toward a live boy. Just from looking at the pictures and using my (perhaps overactive) imagination. Despite my sometime sexual attraction to boys, I don't think that I am gay. In fact, I am still attracted to women as well, but in a different way than I am attracted to boys. This is where things get pretty complicated. I have a long-term (2.5+ years) girlfriend whom I love dearly, and I am planning to ask her to marry me (I have already bought a ring). I am very much sexually attracted to her, and the prospect of raising a family and growing old with her is wonderful. This is where I am not sure what is right. I am wondering if I should tell her about my love for boys (if she hasn't figured out yet from all the "evidence"). I am sure she has an inkling, but I don't want to ruin our relationship by bringing up a potentially disastrous subject. I tell myself that the pornography and sexual desire was lust and that my love for boys is more pure and that it is not necessary to tell her because what I feel is perfectly normal for anyone around boys to feel. However, not all people feel the same way about boys as I do, and it may be my duty to tell my feelings to my future wife. So far, I have been completely honest with her about everything except this. I have always been a religious person, and for a long time I was struggling to make sense of my attraction in a religious context. I think that I have come to the conclusion that there is nothing wrong with boylove as I feel it. Pure love and care for boys is nothing to be ashamed about. Sexual attraction in and of itself is also not a sin. Acting out on lust is, however. In the case of boylove, though, ANY sexual relationship with a boy is not right. No boy of that age is old enough or mature enough to decide to enter a sexual relationship, and there will always be adult-child authority and compliance issues. Thus, as long as I don't act out on any sexual attraction with a boy, I don't think I am doing anything wrong. To avoid lust, I have stopped downloading p ictures of nude boys and have been sticking to abpbr instead. I am glad that I found a group of Christians who have the same feelings as me, though. It is frustrating having to live a life in secret. To not mention how cute that boy over there is. To not be able to talk with anyone who would understand why I like the movies that I do. Who would understand why I would buy a movie that is not all that great just because Elijah Wood is in it and I like watching him on screen. It would be nice if the kind of feelings I have would be accepted and considered "normal" so that I wouldn't have to hide them all the time. It is frustrating when men who like working (or playing) with boys are viewed with distrust. When teenage boys who like babysitting boys are thought to have ulterior motives. When anyone who touches or hugs a boy is considered dangerous. When loving boys is considered a crime. When all those who love boys are considered potential child molesters. I'm sorry that this message is so long and rambling. As I said, this is the first time that I have spoken out on such issues. I welcome any comments or suggestions you may have for me. I am still, at this point, pretty confused about what I feel and what I should do. Thank you. |