how i fell
Submitted by lonlyrider on December 15 1999 at 03:17:49
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place exsue my spelling i live with other so i cant use my spach recnshen software so all my spelling will be bad. Right now i have been thinking of suacide (i wont do it im just to afrade of dieing and what will happen after deth like will i be juged for my felling's)the ressen is i not to long ago acsholy recently had a relaship with a boy (no sex or anything like that) that ended, i had to end it my self becase we were geting two close. perhaps i shood start at the bgening so you know what going on. Well a year ago i met this guy (call him alix) who lived next store to me well i got to know him a for about 2 day's we wood talk out side at night at are appartment smocking (wich i nologer do) wel dering thows two days he never told me he had a kid i found out by the kid looking out his window i asked him are you baby sitting he sead "no it my son" i did not think of it for the most part, well after o coply day of talking i acsly met the kid (ill call wyat) well wyet was vary with dron and a vary angey kid (when he was man his face scard me to death) and you can see in his eye's he was herting i never realy thot about what his problom was well one day alix as me to baby sit wyet for about a houer or two i sead that was fine wyet did not like me at all when we fiert met (oh so you know he was 8 and so you aso get i ada of what he look like look at the kid from starware you canot tell them apart at all) well the that day was hard but i got him to setle down a bit but he still did not like me we only talked a little bit that day most of the day he was in front of the tv wich hi father sugsed he told me just sit him infront of the tv so i did then alix cam home and took wyet back well a coply das later he asked me agen then tell i was baby seting him when he got hom from school for some resen alix did not like him going out sid and playing bacly forbid it. so as wyet trusted me and started to like me i lernd some thin 1 why hardly whent out side ever not just becas of his day but he did not like people much exspshly other kid's never new why so i did thing with him in the house plade vidogame and wached startrek and starwar we both loved those movies and tv show's soon wyet thot of me as a frend not a enmy then one day when i cook for wyet (as i normly did i love to cook and he loved to eat) wyet speld his dreak. wyet ferst fell back and started to cry and yell out "im sorry im sorry" exspting to get hit that stund me and i sead it ok i do it all the time he then gave me a face like "what?" expeting me to do somthing or say somthing mean or i was triking him. well then i sead dont wery about it as i send i do it all the time and he itruped me and sead im not in truble. i sead of cors not whay wood you be in truble for somthing i do my self all the time it wood not be far if i punshed you (at this point i new somthing was rong) so i talk to him and found out alot he is fecly aboused by his dad i confuted his dad and he ameted it and he sead he was becoming like his sopns mom so me and alix workeked out a dell why he is trying to geti his life in order agen and get help i wood care for his son 24/7 so i did wyet paced up hiis stuff and cam over for thre months me and wyet be cam close mater if fact when his dad cam and visted he realy didnot want to do anything with him but only with me . well the months to flow i founf=d my self faling for him bacily never wanting to leve his side theow the time wyet chaged and felt the same and convesashen wood com up how close we are and the thing we like to do together me and wyet did avery thing together allredy and i always ne i was a boy lover and ive had othere relaships (never sex my rule) but after time the stragest thing happed at ferst i put it of hes just ceres or somthing but he mad a pass i gess you cood say well i put that behind me but it keped cotenun and ive alwas fot being a boy lover strate out but i ferd the brand of molster all my life. and so i denid my self to love him like that and in doing so i think a little part of me died. and 8 years old to me is redlysly young but for some resen i found my self faling in love with him and i keeped dening he was doing the same now i new he loved me ll ready but i denid we cood love each other in a relaship well i exspland to wyet it not right(even thow avery thing told me difrent and it was posbole) at ferst he went with it but then it started and once i cood have swor we wer acshle going to kiss quite entnsly but i pold away from that (now i was alwa talt rlaship kid teens and so one is rong bye my mom bye the law wich a fere so much.)need liss to say for the moost part i think the law keeped me from and keep's me from acked on my feling. now after a copole monshe of this i cood not handole it i wanted to so moch to love him in a relaship. but i ferd so much that i wood let my self i wood be arsted so i new i had to end it with him it was the hardis thing i ever doun i hert so much from it i told him when he becomes of legole age and if he still fels the same for me look me up well he paced up is thing and whent to his dad (by this time his dad was a much better dad and id thing with wyet) now ever time we buped in to ech other you cood see his pain and you cood see mine i for two month wood cry my self to sleep and still today id do wyet moved away to another state and i moved as well its been a year and im still herting all becase of how i was reased and becase of my fere in the law i wood deniy my self my move for him and i wood not let him love me. and that herts Im in so much pain from this i have never felt true love like i did for him iv tride with people my age to see if i cood love them and have the same intes felling but i havet i i dont think i ever will i belive wyhet was ment to be my sole mate on every levol i fell wyet fells the same and i know he will look me up it at lest i hope. so i hade to foce the pain on him and me becase i love him so much never as a cile but as a = age in this case was not a fater it was a mater of love but becase of the fere of being proscuted i woodend i wanted so much to say the hell with the law but if i went to jell it wood be a longer what. i cood not make use what any longer coseing more pain so here i em herting so much and whating by the phone knowing it will be another 13 year's befor we can have whet we have im thow so afrade he forget me or start to think his feling were just a faze or somthing. perhaps it is rong to have felling for boy's but i think it herts more to denie that it empobole to love a youn man like wyet not only the law scars me but what about god it says we for one sood not have feling for men letalown boys i fere for my sole as well i want so much to let my self love him i fere even if he is of age i wont let my self becase of fere ogf going to hell. so as you can see why im having these feling of suside to have a life of pain and hopplissness or to lose my sole i came acrose this website and becase it seas crsten boylover im hoping you can help me find ware it says it ok to love him PLEASE!!!!! help me i cant keep this up i need to know is it all right to love a man let alown the boy i love. I right this misseg crying and in desprit hope that my feiling and efcshens and be aserd bye the bible. or persome other means. |