Romantic relationships
Submitted by Mark on December 23 1999 at 23:39:12
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I know many boys through school and church, but have never had a special relationship, although I am hoping to have one some day. I have been thinking for a long time about the pros and cons (ethically and emotionally) of different kinds of relationships, particularly between "romantic" and non-romantic. Since my AOA is 12-15 (maybe above 15), for me the relationship could become romantic at about that age, which is when boys typically start to have romantic/sexual feelings for other people themselves. In a way, a non-romantic relationship would seem dishonest, since I would really have romantic feelings for him, without his realizing it. Would it be unethical, or risky, to have such a relationship, because the boy is not aware of my real feelings, and does not reciprocate them? By "romantic", I mean one where the boy and I are mutually attracted due to our orientations. I am convinced that my orientation is not evil, and that a mutually romantic relationship could be just as wholesome as one between a boy and a girl. The conservative community where I teach views romantic relationships between teenage boys and girls positively, yet makes clear that sex is not acceptable (until marriage). While I realize that some teenage couples secretly do have sex, I also believe that many of them do not. So I imagine modeling a romantic relationship with a gay boy after that kind of situation. Or after a man and woman's relationship where the woman has a condition that would make sex impossible or potentially harmful, so out of love for her, the man refrains from sex. I have been told by a BLer friend that it is impossible to keep sexual activity from occurring in romantic man-boy relationships. His belief seems to be that when you put two males together, because of male sexuality, they can't control themselves. I don't yet buy that. Is a romantic relationship important? In my adult Sunday School class last Sunday, we were discussing 1 John 4 which confronts the heresy that says Jesus was not really human. One person in the class said, if Jesus was really human, he must have had a girlfriend. In the past, I thought such statements were sort of silly. But this time it made sense. Isn't the dismissal of the idea that Jesus had a sexuality an indication of our spritualizing things so that we really don't believe Jesus was human, even though we say we do? Anyway, while I don't necessarily believe one must have a romantic relationship to be human, I do think that not experiencing such a relationship is missing a tremendously important part of "humanness". I have a tremendous desire to experience romance, and society's fear and revulsion is not enough to make me think it is wrong. I read the book "I Kissed Dating Goodbye" which seems to overemphasize the selfish nature of romantic love (heterosexual of course), and portray it too negatively. However, I do think the book was helpful in pointing out the importance of remembering the selfish aspects and examining one's motives. Because of that book, and all of the problems that heterosexuality can lead to (infidelity, divorce, promiscuity, etc.), as well as most people's view about BL, I have recently been feeling that eros is the lowest kind of love, the most selfish kind, maybe not really love at all. Imagine how I was struck when I read the following in Philip Yancey's latest book "What's So Amazing About Grace?": For many, romantic love is the closest experience of pure grace. Someone at last feels that I--I!--am the most desirable, attractive, companionable creature on the planet. Someone lies awake at night thinking of me. Someone forgives me before I ask, thinks of me when she gets dressed, orders her life around mine. Someone loves me just the way I am. Of course I want to do this for a boy. (In fact, one of my students is the most desirable, attractive, companionable creature on the planet, and I have lain awake at night thinking about him!) From what I have read about both straight and gay teens, they are capable of very beautiful, deeply romantic relationships. It would be wonderful to be honest with a boy about my feelings and give and receive grace in such a relationship. I am interested in hearing from others who have had close relationships with boys--either romantic or non-romantic--about the benefits, pitfalls, and ethical considerations for both kinds. Mark |