the cost of being a christian BL.....
Submitted by Scott on February 23 2000 at 10:25:13
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greetings, fellow followers of the Way how've things been with y'all? i hope and pray that things are okay with you guys. you have been in my thoughts and prayers, especially since i dont get to come here often. life is different when i dont get to let out my BL... anyway, some thoughts and reflections on BL... feel free to comment, disagree (i love a good argument) or agree if ya want... what has your Boylove cost you (if anything)? just lately, it has cost me my job and possibly the most important person in my life... but is it worth it? sure, it is wonderful to be a boylover. i see boys, and i am in awe of their beauty. sometimes i cry when i see a beautiful boy, cause i know that the Lord created them, that they are made in His wonderful image, and that He has blessed me with the ability to see that incredible perfection. everything about them is perfect... their smell, that peculiar little boy funk that every little boy has, the way they carry themselves, that singular little boy posture that is lost in grownups... but if one cannot act on ones desires, what is it worth? i have not yet decided whether it is okay to have sex (of any kind or level) with a boy, and am therefore abstaining until i decide. God is Love, and therefore whenever we love, we are acting in His image, which is what we are called to be. but is that love supposed to be kept private in my heart, or made public for the world to see? He calls us to suffer for Him, to die for Him if He wants us to. why are we hiding? "who will bring a charge against God's elect? it is Christ who justifies...." (romans something, i think). is it still love if it exists only in my heart and mind and soul? i think so, but sometimes it gets hard to believe... let me share a little about what has been happening lately... my girlfriend knows i am a Boylover. she found out last october. she is also the director of my former employment place. (i work with children...) it was a huge struggle for her to deal with this. i must say, she handled it remarkably well, and didnt even fire me (although she well could have...whew). but, i left for winter vacation, to do some temporary work elsewhere (far away from her...). things had been okay between us, but there had been some interesting times regareding my boylove. when she found out, it hurt her to some degree, but it also helped explain some things about me. anyway, we kinda mutually decided to call it quits for a while. after several painful phone calls, we didnt talk for about a month. meanwhile, my truck died, and i was stranded in a very bad place for me. i was with old friends in the old neighborhood, which i had left to get away from boozing and drugging and living on the wrong side of the law. needless to say, returning there with a dead truck and a painful realtionship with her was not the best decision. i had originally planned to visit folks for a coupla days and then head out, but my truck died in the meanwhile. i ended up staying for about ten days- ten days of pain. i quickly fell back into old habits. with no work and plenty of money in my pocket, and nowhere to go, it was bad. the first night i was there, i went to a buddys house, and folks were there partying with a good friend who had just gotten out of jail after two and a half years. splat- right off the wagon i went, drunk as a skunk after about three years of mostly being sober and straight. well, enter the week and a half bender, drunk all day, waking up, starting to drink and get stoned and high and doing coke till we passed out, and then doing it all over again. ten days later, i got on the bus to visit her. (i was so messed up i am surprised they actually let me on the bus...hehe) well, i got down there, and the first night was okay. we were both hurting lots.... we love each other very much, but i am just too fu**ed up to be much of a good boyfriend. i got pretty drunk that night, and she got slightly drunk, and i ended up staying over at her house. the next morning we were both pretty happy, and i took care of some paperwork and my new truck that day. that afternooon i started drinking again, and i got absolutely RIPPED. i could not even walk straight... i did plenty of more drugs, and stayed up all night surfing the web and drinking and drugging with my buddy. after an hour of sleep, i got up that morning and started drinking again... she is meanwhile (understandably) not very happy with me... but i am so drunk i dont even care anymore... that night it all went to hell. i had been drunk now with her for three days straight, and this was the last night before i left town again. i got drunker and more drugged than i had been, and i walked her home (she had more of my homebrew in her closet, so i was gonna get some more bottles...). i knew we were through, but in my incoherence, i harbored some secret hope she would invite me in... but she didnt. well, i walked outside, fell down the porch stairs... (hehe, i didnt know that i bounced that far...ha) and started stumbling down the gravel road about a hunbdred yards to my buddy house. after leaving the porch, i blacked out for a while. i guess that i was ranting and raving and screaming and yelling, breaking things, throwing bottles, punching out car windows, throwing trash barrels, the whole nine yards. she kinda followed me at a distance, watching and crying (i didnt know she was there). well, i saw her when i was on the path to my buddys house. she was walking along, crying her eyes out. i suddenly sobered up a little, the thought that i was causing her this pain broke my heart... i started crying, shaking from the fury and rage i felt. that was literally the lowest point of my life- she was and still is one of the few people that i truly have loved. sure, there have been lots of boys, but she was my partner for four years, four years of sobriety, of straight and narrow, of loving her, four years of getting my life in order... the most important four years of my life- and now i had hurt her more than i had ever hurt her before. well, she helped me to stumble up and into a sleeping bag on the floor. there i lay, for a long time, bawling, hurting, wishing it would all end... i love her more than i can say... more than i can imagine. life without her by my side is pure hell... love is giving someone so much of yourself that they can hurt you in the worst possible way... and i hurt her that way. love is being made one with another, so much that when they are not there you feel empty... love is pain, when you realize she needs more than you can give... but love is love when i realized that i couldnt give her what she needed. the next day was quiet. as she drove me to the bus station, we talked. we are no longer partners.... no longer lovers, no longer one in body and spirit and flesh, no longer united. no longer will she stand by my side... we both cried as we sat in the bus station waiting for my bus. she loved me more than she loved anyone else, and i loved her more than i loved myself. has boylove cost me life with her? beause i am a boylover, i have kept everything inside so much that it is habit. we split up partly because i have so much trouble communicating with her- i am just not good at it. i am good at loving boys- i have had plenty of practice- and i am not talking just about physical love, but about being there foir them, listening, being a friend, opening my heart to them and seeing inside their soul...healing their hurts. so why cant i do this with her? i had wanted to marry her, though i would never admit this to anyone. for the first two years, we told each other that we were just friends, that we didnt want anything long term, beacuse that is what we thought would happen. then we went and fell in love... and we both wanted life with each other. she was willing to live with me and my boylove- but she did not want to share me with a boy. i was okay with this- but i never told her, i was too busy playing with the boys, not realizing that she was at home crying. has boylove cost me her? it would be a convenient excuse to say that my boylove has changed me, so that i am forced to keep everything inside, to say that i am messed up cause of societys fear of us so that i can no longer talk with her... but that is all it would be - an excuse. the simple fact is that *I* am the reason we split up- not boylove. me as a person, me as me. i love boys so much, i smile when i see one on the street, i smile when ilook in their eyes. i love them... and i love her just as much- but i dont know how i never told her, how i never showed her. i guess i just assumed she knew.... but she needed more than that assumption. we left things kind of open. i am pretty sure she is not going to find someone else... she is in too much pain right now to do that. i told her i would wait for her as long as necessary... she said, "what if i dont come back?" i answered, i will wait regardless, you are worth the risk to me. is it worth is to be a boylover? right now i dont know... i know that i cannot turn my back on who i am, and i know that it is equally impossible for me to stop loving boys... but are the boys worth me losing her? two years ago i would have said yes in a flash... but now i dont know. every day, i love her just as much as yesterday- maybe a little bit more. every day i wake up alone, crying and thinking of her... can i change my boylove? no. can i change my love for her? no. can i change the fact that i love my Lord more than either of these? no. now it is time to wait and see, to wait for healing from above... now it is in the Lord's time... whether or not He will give her back to me... i have not touched a drink nor a drug since that last night with her. i do not think that i will. she saw a side of me those three days that she had never seen before- she knew aobut it, but had never seen it. the shame of that time lingers on, the guilt, the pain of seeing the hurt in her eyes... and my powerlessness to stop it. she said that night that she thought that i was stronger than the drink or the drugs... and ususally i am. well, i just needed to get some of that off of my chest. i do not know where i am going to go now... i have a job lined up, but i am unsure if i will take it. maybe i need a break from everything, from the boys, from the pain. the Lord will provide a place and time for me, He will provide the healing i so desperately need, He will provide the love i need. it just hurts so bad... 
scott |