Hello my cbl friends. The 'blinding light of God' has done it again. And yes, I've written an essay. I can't make it shorter for some dumbass reason.

Right guys... first of all let me explain. I am not trying to make myself seem like the 'poor little boy', but I have to say this otherwise no one will understand.

I have an extremely obsessive nature. It's part of my condition of Asperger's Syndrome, and ever since I was a child I've had consuming interests that basically get in the way of all my studies. These have included dinosaurs (when I was a child), evolution, cosmology, quantum mechanics etc. etc.

When I started to become obsessed with spirituality my life took a turn for the worst. I don't think I need to restate how this happened. But just to make it clear: I take spiritual things FAR TOO SERIOUSLY. I don't know if that's because of my condition, or because the fear of Christianity's fabled hellhole has been burned forever into my unconscious, but I do.

Anyway, as I've been evolving my sexuality over the year (now that I am not scared I will be chucked into the fires of hell for doing so), I have been looking foreward to a healthy future of sexual experimentation. I have justified it by telling myself that I need to understand how sexual relationships work in order to actually be able to judge it with any authority. Secondly, I will always follow the golden rule and not become 'sexually addicted' or anything like that. These things, I actually KNOW I can do.

So this seemed alright. Now, I have wondered moderatly about what Jesus meant when he said we should not look at a woman in lust. I have always been *utterly* confused about this, because except for my perversion into a boylover (which I do not regret), lust hasn't had any effect on me that I would consider harmful. I would have discovered I was a boylover at some point anyway most likely. My view has been that as long as people treat it responsibly and don't act like fagends, then it is all okay.

Well, guess what guys? I found out today. The analogy is very simple: imagine you walk into a club (or a primary school). You will usually spot and fancy the person who is most attractive, and possibly talk to them. BUT... isn't that a PREJUDICE against the people who are ugly? I know that if I was ugly, then I would be MAD AS HELL at people who do that! I would hate it! But since I've never considered myself ugly I had never thought about that. I thought about it for ages and even brought it up in a long phone call to my grandma, but there is no way around it. Finding a partner or giving someone sex, because they are prettier, IS PREJUDICE. And to think... it's the most INNOCENT act imaginable.

I am FINE with homosexuality.
I am FINE with sodomy.
I am FINE with polyamory.
I am FINE with group sex.
I am FINE with swinging.

But it turns out, that the UGLIEST thing about sex is simply CHOOSING YOUR PARTNER!!!

As soon as I realised this and took it in it made me cringe so badly. I spent some time in my room sat down saying "What the fuck?" out loud and wincing at it as if someone had shoved my head down the toilet. Pure disgust at the fact, like a bad smell. Literal repulsion... and now I feel ashamed and pitiful that I reacted that way because my ego is so weak and fucked up.

The reason it disgusts me so much is because it is such a key aspect of human nature! It is so NATURAL. It boggles my mind as to how it can REALLY be a sin, but IT IS. In a utopian society, either everybody should be of EQUAL attractiveness, or everybody should FORGET attraction COMPLETELY and just put up with anyone they meet.

And even though it is probably possible to train yourself to think like that... do you know how UNREALISTIC that is? I mean seriously, WTF? To get around that we would have to GENETICALLY MODIFY OUR BRAINS.

I picked the worst time to discover this as well because I have to do homework and school and everything.

But WHY did I have such an extreme reaction to this?
And HOW can anyone possibly expect this prejudice to disappear? It's like the unconquerable enemy.

My only thought is, "Man... THAT'S HARSH!!!"