A very odd thing happened to me once. It was when I was around 21. I also was feeling in some way quite oppressed by my sexuality and other things and in my search for relief I ran into a pop psych self-help book called 'What do you Say After you Say Hello' by Eric Berne. That was a couple of decades and the book was a little old-fashioned in tone even then, but it talked a lot about life scripts and how stuff from our family's expectations and habits, and stuff from our own early impressions of life, can seem to lock us into a "me" that is eventually quite irritating.

Somewhere in there I thought "I don't have to be gay" (in those days, TBL and gay were the same) and this popped my mind right out of myself, so to speak. Very hard to describe. As soon as the enormous ecstatic rush of my liberation started to smooth out, I realized that my sexuality per se hadn't changed, just my sense of being in bondage to it. I thought, "well, I could be a half-assed straight and make the best of it or I could be celibate, but really, my most promising talent in terms of sexuality is for liking boyish guys around my own age." So I joined every gay organization I could find and got myself a boyfriend. Then I converted back to Christianity, which I had left at 14 when I thought it was in conflict with my nature. Love sort of brought it back home to me.

I found out later that my curious experience was a variation on the theme of what zen buddhism calls 'tongo,' sudden revelation. The odd state of not having to be gay while basically being gay, which was real and deep and not shallow or self-delusional, was very similar to this sort of thing:

"Not abiding anywhere means that one does not abide in good and evil, existence and nothingness, inside, outside, or in between. Not abiding in emptiness and not abiding in non-emptiness, not abiding in concentration and not abiding in the absence of concentration, that is not abiding anywhere. Only this not abiding anywhere is the true abode. When one attains this, it is called the non-abiding mind." (Dazhu).

For non-abiding, read 'not stuck.'

This is simply a necessary stage of spiritual growth for some people, and quite possibly your mind will be trying to tear off its old skins until it gets to this new clean surface. Anyways, being unemployed, you have lots of time to explore spirituality and find out how to unstick yourself. It's worth it.