I don't -think- I have any problems with my sexuality, but I'm not really in any angle to rule anything out. I just feel like I have so much I just gotta get out of my system. I surely don't accept myself as a whole, I'm insecure in many ways. Or maybe I'm not - these are all, observations that could be entirely wrong. I'm honestly, and non-melodramatically hurt. One of my favorite song verses:
"God help me, I've come undone - out of the light of the Sun."
I really feel it every single time I hear these lyrics, as if the song was made specifically for me. I just have so much I need to get out in the open, and let a professional give me steps to a better me. Help me get a new handle on life, that won't break. I mean, this is my life - and I want to take care of me, so I can take care of other people. I'll never give up my dream of helping abused children in terrible homes - I'll never let that go. I just need some people help to get there. I mean, I can't lead people down the right path when I'm on the wrong one. It's like - I know the therapist who's lucky enough to cross paths with me is going to blink and call me a mess (not a technical term, but it works). And boy do I know it. But when I think about it - it's like my mind - whatever the reason may be - prioritizes my sexuality - over everything else. I really don't feel as if I mind being attracted to males - it's just, I feel it everywhere I go, I'm constantly paying attention to males bending over, lifting up shirts, I have fantasies on the spot. Sure, I'm a horny teen, I've heard that - and I get it - but it's overwhelming, and far from normal. It's like I've 'overdone' the accepting part. I had a relationship with someone, (almost sexual) whom I was head of heels for, I dreamed about just holding him in my arms, and then - he made some really choices and I thought I was going to loose it. I can't associate with people who make bad decisions, and recently, I've totally had to sever all ties - I know it was for the better - but I still haven't moved on. Sigh - I love you all, and I appreciate you listening to me rant, if this isn't evidence enough that I need a therapist - then nothing will be. - I may have a way to get some money soon - which means a therapist is only a drive away. So, we'll see out that pans out.