To begin at the beginning: the working definition of being mentally well is to be coping with day to day life, i.e. being able to do all the things that you want to do without things going wrong. On that definition it seems clear that you have a major issue that you need to work through. The easiest way most of the time to obtain such help is to approach a 'counsellor' - a profession that covers a range of therapies. The problem that we as BLs have is that breaking cover with a professional raises the prospect of their having to report us to statutory authorities; the situation about this varies between jurisdictions and in practice the interpretation put on the duty may vary between mental health professionals.

You refer to ending up in emergency rooms after suicide attempts. I am curious to know whether they offered a way forward in terms of a referral to a counselling service. It's worth investigating whether you could open a conversation on a purely anonymous basis. The other organisation that you could approach in total confidence is the Catholic or Orthodox churches with their tradition of 'the seal of the confessional'; priests from there may be able to tell you what the legal situation is in your jurisdiction - though you do need to make clear at the beginning of the conversation that what you say is to be dealt with as a confession.

I hope that provides some ways forward.