I lived most of my life knowing exactly what I liked and who I liked as far as sexual attraction was concerned. I was a BL through and through.

Then I moved into Christian circles and I began trying to get "healed".

Marriage to a woman didn't heal me and neither did some very passionate pleading with God over many years.

I turned to counseling.
Counseling was beneficial. It helped me learn many things about myself and gave me some great tools for dealing with my emotional issues... but again no "healing".

Once I found cblf I found a growing acceptance of myself as a BL. I totally wouldn't have bothered seeking after healing if I wasn't married to a woman who then believed that if I wasn't attracted to her then there was no marriage.

I tried to force myself to like females. I read books on straight sex techniques. I denied myself any kind of boy fantasy or outlet. I tried to ONLY focus on my wife when sexing.

Then... on top of all this... I had a counselor suggest that I wasn't a BL... I was just a gay guy fixated on my own childhood.... an idea I'd heard from a different counselor years before. I knew I sorta found some older guys "interesting"... could he be right?

The outcome of all this: Damaged Sexuality.
Sex became stressful... I lost my ability to maintain arousal... I became confused and frustrated. I came to hate sexing with my wife.... but masturbation was just as difficult. I was struggling with mixtures of images of boys...men... girls and my wife and none of it felt good to my soul.

I learned my lesson too late.
I stopped trying to change myself.
I totally accepted who am I.
Unfortunately that was now muddied and murky. The simple boy routine fantasy that had satisfied me the majority of my life was no longer cutting it.
I feel like an elastic band that is stretched just that bit too far and warps and never goes back to it's original shape and loses all it's spring.

Reaching orgasm is such a struggle now... the process is so... difficult. I find myself bashing into so many different kind of "ideas".... boys... girls... women.... teens... (never men)... and some of them revolt me and yet there they are. I have no explanation for that.

I could be merrily tugging to the idea of a cute boy and suddenly an image of a vagina will pop in my mind and I'll like it for a moment and then I'll hate it and be revolted.... and then it's over.... arousal lost.... better luck next time.

Or I'll be trying things on with my wife... and I'll be doing ok... enjoying our sex play.... then suddenly boy thoughts will emerge... which is fine by me... but I know she don't like it... then comes the guilt and blam... arousal lost.

My marriage is going so, so much better these days. My wife really has accepted how things are and we have agreed not to make an issue of the boy stuff... ie: not talk about it. She knows it's there... she just don't want any details.

I'm glad I'm married.
I love my wife... even though I'm not attracted to her.
I believe staying together and sorting out our relationship is paying off now and that in the long term it will be clear that we made the right choice.

My dilemma is this.... what advice should I give to other BLs considering marriage?... in the light of my own experience.

I guess I need more time to answer that.
Blessings
Cat.