...in the Christian world?
At this point I'd like to think I'm standing in an 'okay' spot (generally)
But not the 'optimal' spot.
I've decided to sit out on the whole church hopping-God serves ME ordeal and just kind of sit to the side and watch everyone else do it. I hate people.
I'm sorry but I really do. I just can't stand to walk into another church. As pathetic as it sounds - even walking into a church - a little song I used to listen too (called More than a Memory) starts to play and I think of the people I used to stand in church with. People, whom my gay attractions ran off. People who used to be my friends. I'm honestly afraid for the first time in my life I might run out of breath and die. Thinking about being in a church makes my skin crawl and I shudder attempting to dive deeper into my memories or even into a thought of one day returning to church. I know a guy who went to church, stood in the front row, raising his hand to 'God' in worship. Went home and fucked a random chick from church that night.
Okay, aside from having serious issues, that's the most senile thing I've ever heard. Really? Has God's message become so worthless? It's just a teen/college hang out. It's disgusting. Heart-wrenching. Diabolic just to serve as a few words. But gosh. I'm fine with not being luke-warm. I like not being vomited out the mouth of the Creator. But that makes me wonder where I stand. I hate people. Therefore hate church. And then in addition, I hate church. So it's like double hating because of the fake. That's one thing I know in the end I'll be rewarded for. I'm not a freaking fake. I don't stand up and praise God in one hour, then get my rocks off randomly the next. I'm here, a little kid sitting on the side walk watching busy, busy people go on about there busy lives. I know God is real. I know the miracle he performed through Jesus is real. But I also know being gay, being myself - is NOT wrong and I've come to accept that. Entirely. Literally, because it's the reality. I believe it because it's HERE, in my GRASP, in my MIND, in my HANDS. I believe in the existence of God because I always have. But I won't sit idle while other people bask in hetero-sexual happiness either. Companionship is what we all want in the end. And as much as I despise people as a whole, I've found someone (not recently) who makes my heart float. Someone whom I grew up with, someone who is the same age as me whom was there my whole life and I never knew he could be the one. I truly love him. My entire family knows I do. God knows I do. I know I do. Have we had sex? Yes. No point in lying. Do I regret it? Not in a million years. Does that make me a bad person? Guess I'll find out one day. In the end I'll end up pissing someone off, so I'll take what I've got and press forward. Or maybe I'll sit here on my comfy sidewalk. :)