Welcome to Our Premier Issue

What Is Boylove?

Shame, Fear, Love, and the Gospel
"It is wrong for me to exist."

When Two Worlds Collide
"The two worlds had never before met.  What would happen?  Would both come crashing down?"

Growing Together
"I have seen him grow from a shy, reclusive pre-adolecent, probably still full of pain, into a young man of great respect..."

We Need Each Other
"...it has quite a confusing and frustrating impact on us as Christians."

Burning Coals
"There are two great dangers in being persecuted."

On-line resources

I am illegal.  It is wrong for me to exist.  At least, that's what I thought until recently.  I felt complete shame about who I was.  My life seemed to be based on the fear that someone would find out my secret.  I never chose to be this way.  I never did anything illegal, but if people found out about my feelings, I feared the police would search my house looking for evidence, and question people I knew, sure that I had.  Even if they didn't investigate me, people's knowledge about me would ruin my life.  I could lose my job, any chance of working again in my field, my friends, my family, my church, and my main source of happiness.  I would be the object of hatred and contempt by everyone, especially those in the church.

My Story

I always seemed like a very normal child:  my parents were good and decent people, I had a good group of friends, I enjoyed school and did very well, I never got involved with drugs, alcohol, or harmful behavior, and I was never abused.  But at age 11, I gradually came to realize I was attracted to boys instead of girls.  In seventh grade, I was frequently having feelings for boys my age and older, as well as for some men.  Of course, at that age, the cruelest insult was to be called a "faggot" or a "fairy."  Much of my life was centered around hiding this secret, and the fear that I was defective as a human being.

It was during my freshman year of college that I made the commitment to follow Jesus and was baptised.  In college I majored in an academic subject I had loved ever since first grade.  I also loved teaching others what I knew.  I remember being intrigued by the profession of teaching when I was in elementary school, and I loved to play school with neighborhood kids.  So during my sophomore year of college, I decided to pursue a teaching certificate.

Sometime during older adolescence or young adulthood, my interest in men and older boys faded without my really realizing it.  It wasn't until my mid 20's that I realized I was mostly attracted to boys between the ages of 12 and 15.  I was recently told by a sexologist, through anonymous email, that I am a homosexual hebephile.  This term refers to someone who has an emotional-sexual attraction to adolescents, not necessarily to those who sexually abuse them.  I have never touched a boy in any way that was even remotely sexual.

Love and Sex

People think orientation is all about sex.  Even I did.  But after years of repressing my emotions, my emotional side seemed to gradually emerge when I was in graduate school.  During the past twelve years (I am now in my 30's), I have come to realize that my feelings for boys have emotional, intellectual, and even spiritual components.  My real desire is to befriend a boy, play and joke around with him, do things for him, talk to him about all kinds of things (especially deep things), protect him, support him, accept him with all his faults, make sacrifices for his well-being, and yes--cuddle with him.  People say my love is not really love.  So what is real love, then?  How is it different from what I have just described?

According to their website, the American Psychological Association defines sexual orientation to be an enduring emotional, romantic, sexual and affectionate attraction.  Because this so accurately describes my feelings for boys (and because of the total absence of such feelings for women or men), I refer to them as an orientation.

On the internet, I have read about many men who have the same feelings I do.  Many of them have the kind of loving relationships with boys I wish for but have never had.  I often think I've never really loved or been loved.  Sure, I have friends and relatives who are warm toward me, but I'm afraid they'd reject me if they knew the real me.  But the amazing thing is that I want to give love so badly, especially to a boy.  And I will gladly refrain from sex in order to do so.

I have learned that only a minority of men attracted to boys are molesters.  Most are decent, moral people.  I found that hard to believe at first.  But it makes sense logically.  Through no choice of our own, our orientation is different, but that doesn't mean that it's stronger and uncontrollable, or that we are inherently morally flawed.  I know there are lots of news reports about pedophiles who molest children.  But there are also news reports about blacks who commit murder, and heterosexuals who rape women.  The problem is that those of us who do not molest are not in the news.

I wonder if straight people could imagine being in the same situation:  everyone thinking that their love for their spouse or boy- or girlfriend was dangerous and perverted, and that the purpose of all of their actions was to manipulate the person they love so they could satisfy their predatory desires.  I wonder if they could imagine that as soon as anyone found out about their feelings, they would face rejection by everyone they knew, be harrassed by strangers, placed under police investigation, and never be allowed to interact with people of the opposite sex again.

I have been teaching for several years at a conservative Christian school.  If anyone found out I was a boylover, they would probably assume that I took that position in order to have sex with kids, even though I've wanted to be a teacher since I was six years old.  Most people would think that it is dangerous for me to be a teacher, but it is no more dangerous than a heterosexual man with a job where he comes into contact with women.

My Revelations

For years I accepted what society thought about me--that I was a latent child molester who would eventually lose self-control and abuse children.  Then about two years ago I found the boylover sites on the internet.  My fear, and the shame that accompanied it, began to subside.  I realized there were many others like me.  And they were not predators or molesters.  Reading the web sites created by boylovers and boys who loved them changed my attitude about myself completely.

I posted on a chat board for boylovers about the development of my own sexual orientation, and several boylovers responded about their experiences.  As I thought about what they had written, I imagined what I'd tell a straight person about sexual orientation:  It's very mysterious.  For some people, orientation is set at birth, for others it changes over time.  For some people, it may be affected by sexual experiences, while for others it's independent of, or even resistant to, them.  Some (like me) don't even have experiences, yet they still know their orientation.  Some people have multiple orientations, while others only have one.  Most if not all have no choice in their orientation.

Like any human characteristic, there is variation in sexual orientation.  It's a fact, a part of nature, and to place intense shame and self-loathing on people because of this natural variation is absolutely wrong.  The belief that hebephiles or pedophiles are any more prone to abusing than straight people are to raping is illogical and ignorant.  This hatred and ignorance destroys lives; it kills people emotionally, spiritually and often physically.

I imagined people saying that I was trying to "legitimize pedophilia."  Then I realized that it was actually arrogant to presume that any person can legitimize or delegitimize something that is a fact of nature.  This is the way God created the world.  Then a verse from the Bible came to mind.  It had been the main theme of the chapel service at my school the previous week!  "But who are you, O man, to talk back to God?  Shall what is formed say to him who formed it, 'Why did you make me like this?'" (Romans 9:10)

Suddenly I felt completely free from shame.  For that moment, I felt a sense of peace and even joy.  I really felt the Holy Spirit speaking to me.  "The truth shall set you free!"  It was like I understood that for the first time.  Everything seemed so clear, certain, obvious, and simple.

Another incident occurred a couple months later that helped me to know that I could never hurt a child.  I watched the European movie "For a Lost Soldier"--based on a true story about the love between a Canadian soldier and a 12 year old boy during World War II.  There was one scene which deeply disturbed me.  The boy had a look of fear on his face, the soldier put his finger in the boy's mouth for him to bite down on, and the man lowered himself down on the boy's back as the boy cringed in pain.  The next day at school, I could not get this scene out of my mind, and tears sometimes came to my eyes as I thought about it.  The boy had been willing to endure pain and go along with a sexual act that he really didn't want, in order to receive the affections of the soldier.  That was abuse, and I could never do that.

The Essence of Christianity

My school leans toward fundamentalism.  I am disturbed by its emphasis on personal righteousness and underlying attitudes of hatred toward all kinds of groups perceived as unrighteous and inferior, including liberals, atheists, evolutionists, feminists, abortionists, and of course, homosexuals (and by implication, boylovers).  So I decided to address this problem at chapel when it was my turn to speak.  I talked about Jesus' example of loving everyone, whether they disagree with us, their beliefs are wrong, or they're involved in immoral activities.  I did mention homosexuals, but I dared not bring up boylovers, of course.

I only had one parent express a "concern" about what I said at chapel.  He said his son was confused about the point I was trying to make, that maybe I was saying we should accept homosexuality.  I'm guessing that if one parent has suspicions about me, then others do.

If I had the courage, I would ask them what the real "essence" of Christianity is.  Is it thinking and doing the right things, while "those other people" think and do the wrong things, and ranting against and rejecting (secretly hating) those other people?  Jesus spoke out against such spiritual arrogance (Luke 18:9-14).  I believe this attitude is based on fear, not faith:  fear that the wrong things (actually, Satan) will suck us or our children into sinful behavior, or destroy our faith.  People seem to be afraid of people and ideas that challenge their beliefs.

I think this approach is the one the Pharisees took, shutting out certain people from the kingdom of God.  Jesus' words against them were very strong (Matt. 23).  The essence of Christianity is that God loves and accepts all of us sinners so much that he substituted Jesus' death for our punishment, so he sees us as righteous.  Out of thanks for this, we love him, want to obey him, and show his love to others. The kingdom is open to everyone who believes and repents.  Jesus loved and ministered to all those rejected by Jewish society.  This message was quite disturbing to the Pharisees, and that's why they accused Jesus of being Satanic, and had him killed.

I realize my faith is often weak.  So many things seem uncertain to me.  But there are two things I am certain of:  any action that would hurt a child is wrong, as is promoting shame for sexual orientation.

I believe that boylovers need to be accepted as human beings, made in the image of God, and therefore treated with dignity and respect, rather than to be seen as inhuman monsters who deserve to be harrassed or assaulted because of feelings we do not choose to have.  I believe our experiences and opinions should be heard, rather than dismissed as dishonest or deluded simply because of our orientation.  Our character should be judged on the basis of our actions, not our orientation.  We should be able to communicate with and seek help and compassion from others without fear of investigation or harrassment by law enforcement authorities or reprisal by employers.  We must seek and live out God's will for our lives, as fully accepted members of the church.  Finally, we need to form healthy, responsible relationships with people of all ages.

My Dilemma

All of my dwelling on my boylove feelings strikes me as selfish.  What I need to do is to stop feeling sorry for myself, and throw myself into helping others.  Romans 8:28 implies that everything happens for a reason, and that God has a plan for each of our lives.  So what's his plan for mine?  Why am I an hebephile?  I find it extremely easy to love boys; I would do almost anything that would help one in need.  I have a special empathy for boys who feel intense shame and worthlessness, especially surrounding their sexuality.  I want to honor God by expressing my love for boys in ways that benefit them.  But I am afraid that if I were to show my feelings, and someone suspected or knew the truth about me, they would assume I was after sex, and separate me from the boy.  It seems that the only way I can ever do what I'm on earth to do is to keep this a secret.

On the other hand, I have a growing desire to let someone know the truth about me.  I would like to worship God with people with whom I can be honest and who will still love and accept me.  I would like to give and receive the support and compassion that the church claims it will give to those who are open and honest.  I also want to tell people how I have grown closer to God over the past several months, and how his love has helped me deal with my situation.  These desires lie at the heart of my faith.

So almost two years ago, I began talking weekly with my pastor about issues of faith and love.  In our discussions, he kept bringing up the topic of homosexuality, and made it clear that he was accepting.  After a couple months I told him I was homosexual.  At first, I think I felt wierder about his knowing than he did.  Eventually I got used to it, and a little over a year ago, I told him I was a boylover and what that meant.

He admitted he was a little nervous about it, recognizing that his nervousness was due to a lack of familiarity with the term.  However, he anticipated much of what I wanted to tell him.  For example, he already assumed that I could control my sexuality as much as any straight person.  He has trusted me with children in the congregation; in fact, he recommended me to the staff coordinator at a nearby church camp as a counselor for a couple weeks in the summer.  He was also at the camp for one week while I was there.  It was awesome to be honest about who I was, and to still be trusted!  After it was over, my pastor told me that I seemed to have to work extra hard in order to prove myself a good influence on kids.

I would like to come out to more people, but I am still afraid to.  I have started meeting with a support group for gays and lesbians in my church denomination, and have come out to a few of them.  I have decided to change jobs and teach at a non-Christian school, where I think the atmosphere will be better for sexual minorities.

I am hoping that I can grow in my ability to show love and acceptance to my students, and hoping that I can fight against bigotry through my actions and words.  I also hope that if there is a boy who is in desparate need for love, who feels deep shame about himself as a human being, that he will somehow sense my love and will be able to trust me enough to come to me for help.

No one has ever seen God, but if we love one another, God lives in us and his love is made complete in us.  --1 John 4:12

Mark Distefano (not his real name) is a secondary-level teacher in the United States, is active at his church as a pianist, and is editor of Paraklesis.  He can be emailed at markds@nym.alias.net, and he welcomes reponses from readers, particularly boylovers who are struggling with self-acceptance.