Things I've Learned

Christian Consultation on Boylove
"What struck me is the depth of their Christian faith..."

Boys Are From Saturn
"I must love boys differently than I love women."

Who is our Brother, Mother, Sister?
"After a while I realized where the hatred was really coming from."

The Bucket
"To be what God has intended for you,take care, and use great discretion."

What Is Boylove?

We have all seen the popular book Men Are From Mars, Women Are From Venus.  To a boylover, there is a third planet in our sky: boys. To most boylovers, women are merely another life in this world; most boylovers are not attracted to women sexually, romantically, or generally in any way. I, however, cannot speak from that perspective; I have always been attracted to females, and I believe that I always will be. I could no more envision a life without a significant female than I could a life without a significant boy. Throw in the fourth (and most important) planet of Christianity, and get ready for some cosmic pinball, because all these different elements will need to be carefully interwoven in order to have any peace at all...

I believe that I am three things:  I am a Christian first of all.  I am a man second.  I am a boylover third.  I must strive to live at all times within my belief system. All of my actions must be governed by my love for Christ, by my love for my Lord's sacrifice, by the power granted me by the Holy Spirit. Second to that, I personally believe that I must live by my moral and social standards--as a man. I must behave honorably and respectfully to all--both male and female, adult and child--who are in my life. Thirdly, I must love boys. I have no choice in that, or in the fact that I will also love some women. I must therefore love boys and women according to my other two priorities.

How does a woman fit into my boylove?

Women fulfill my love. They give me someone to protect, someone who can depend on me. Women are soft and delicate to my hard precision. They think relationally, while men think spatially. Our brains even work differently, yet they complement one another. 

An adult woman can do for me things that I should never ask a boy to do. She can be strong in my moments of doubt, she can be a shoulder to cry on, she can handle the adult part of a relationship that a boy is almost never ready for. She is ready for a long term commitment because she understands what it means. I can be complete and deeply honest with her and she will possibly begin to grasp the true and unending nature of my love. 

A woman will need me. She will need me to be strong for her, maybe need me to provide for her, watch over her, and protect her for the rest of her life. She will need to be held in my arms when she cries, when she wants reassurance that she is loved. She will want to hold my hand as we walk down the midway at the county fair.....

The Lord created woman from man's flesh. This leaves another hole in myself, in addition to the one that can only be filled with the Father. The other hole (and I am not sure if every person on earth has this hole, I can speak only for myself) was left when He took my rib in the days of Adam and created the one special woman with whom I will spend the rest of my life. My love for her is undying, hopefully growing with time, but it will not change too much, unless our relationship dictates it change.

Aaaaahhhhhhh, now on to boys. I am lucky enough to have yet another hole inside.....

I have a boy shaped hole inside, one that is filled when I love a boy, but I must love boys differently than I love women. Boys are dynamic, moving, and changing.  A boy is more immature and in the process of growing. Soon he will be a man, just as I was once a child and am now a man. I cannot expect from a boy what I expect from a woman. 

A boy will look up to me, and he will need me to be strong all the time for him. A boy will want me to play with him one minute and leave him alone the next. He will want me to be consistent in my dealings with him. 

When I love a boy, my love for him will remain strong but through the years its manifestations will change. When I love a boy, I keep my sexual desire out of the equation for the most part. Boys are often not mature enough to be able to enter into a long-term sexual relationship. I do realize there are always exceptions, but generally boys cannot comprehend depth and breadth and longevity of adult feelings. So for the moment I leave the sexual part of our relationship out of the picture.

As he grows, I will still love him but I must love him through his changes and maturation. I must love him as a person and that love must be unconditional. I cannot stop loving him or get mad at him for the inherent fickleness of growing up. I must love him enough to let him decide to continue the relationship. I must love him enough to let him suffer a little, if he chooses a path that results in suffering. And though his suffering will hurt me too, I will let him understand the consequences for the actions he has chosen. Yet I will always be there when he needs comfort, if he needs a hug or someone just to talk to, or if he gets in over his head.

And personally, once he is in the older teen years, I will lose much of my feelings of sexual attraction to him. This will necessarily change the way that I love him. I will come to love him as a friend, as a young man. I will love him as Jesus loves all of us--unselfishly. It is then that I will be able to separate my earthly love from the divine love I hold inside. And yes, I truly believe that I hold divine love inside, for I received it when I was born into Christ and crucified my old self. When that self was crucified, my old and earthly love died with it and was replaced with pure love.

Often this is difficult in practical life. I meet and befriend many boys, and I love them and they love me back. I do not hesitate to show my affection for them, without placing any sexual demands on their immature minds. The boys I love welcome this affection, and often they are more comfortable showing affection publicly with me than with their own parents. Of course, it is a different nature of affection. I love them for who they are and for the physical beauty that I see in them. I love them for them with no strings attached. 

But this love comes with a price, and I think this price reflects me personally more than boylovers in general. I meet many boys, but my life is very transient, so the number I stay in contact with is few--far fewer than I would like. But again, that is the nature of boys and men, I think. Nevertheless, they and I both have the memories of our times together. 

Boys of all ages, I love physically. I have yet to decide for myself the issue of sexuality and acting sexually with a boy. Therefore I will do my best to abstain from sex. But, for a boy that I am physically attracted to, it will always remain part of his beauty.  However, any relationship I would ever even consider having with a boy would necessarily be governed by my religious beliefs. I will not go out and have casual sex with any particular boy that I find attractive. As the Bible states, there must be a long-term commitment involved, and I will abide by the Lord's rules.

I believe that I have the best of both worlds in my attraction to both boys and women. I can have a marriage with a woman, and unlike many married boylovers, it will not be a marriage of convenience, a marriage of appearances. It will be she and I in love. It will also not be a marriage of deception and hiding on my part; my wife will know of my attraction and I will not marry her unless she is comfortable with it and secure in my love for her. 

But I will still have young friends. I know that I will be involved with boys until the day I die; it is in my blood and I have no choice about it (although I would choose to continue to be involved with them if I did have that choice). My relationships with them will necessarily be of a platonic, mentoring, non-sexual nature. I think that will free me to love them for who they are, unconditionally, to love them as Jesus loves them and as God loves them.

Scott works as a teacher and counselor in outdoor education.