Lonliness......
Submitted by Once a Boy on December 07 2000 21:24:16
In reply to Growing up without a community submitted by Heather on December 07 2000 18:50:03
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I'm not sure a community will remove the feeling of lonliness. Indeed support is important; however, in the end, it is difficult to remove loneliness from one's life. The loneliness we feel is due to the fact that we cannot be satisfied in our interactions with boys. We want more! We want it to last! Over my life, I have had much satisfaction in playing and connecting on a spiritual level with boys. However, the lonliness occurs because we do not have the connection we desire, the connection to be constantly with a boy, and even if we can be constantly with a boy, there comes a time when the boy needs to "move away" from you, and although you may be important, the boy moves on to find the connection we seek with a person his own age. A community will not fill this need that exists in many of us. This lonliness has only been with me recently because I am coming to understand more about the underlying reasons for my love for boys. I have a strong need to "save," and a strong desire to "be a boy again." Unfortunately, I am coming to the conclusion that a boy cannot fill this lonliness. Although I have been a positive influence on many boy's lives, I am begining to "see" that it cannot fufill me. I think we are lonely, because we want a deep relationship that is lasting when it cannot be lasting. Of course, is any relationship lasting? Some people marry 50 years, but even these relationships, in the end, create lonliness. One mate usually leaves the other (through death or by no longer communicating). We, in this group, are looking to connect like others in society, and yet our situation makes it impossible to be fufilled. Thus, there is lonliness. A community or a support group may help, but in the end, each one of us must deal with this situation, and then decide what to do. One thing we can do is: Go from boy(s) to boy(s) until the relationship runs its climax. During this time, there will be many laughs and many tender moments in things that are shared, yet there is no way to have a close, fufilling, and lasting relationship. If one does not mind going from boy to boy in this way, then you continue doing this. This has worked for me up to this point in my life. However, I am getting tired. I am begining to lean towards doing the only other thing we can do. Another thing we can do: Stop investing so much time and energy on boys. Stop the compassion, the empathy, the joy of being with a boy. Instead invest your energy in an adult relationship. This type of relationship can become something more lasting, more permanent. If one can accept the loss of their time with boys, he can move into this type of relationship. Then, the lonliness will cease for a longer period of time than if you are with boys. A 10, 20, or 70 year relationship is possible! The lonliness will surely not be as great as the 1-3 year relationships with boys. Although one can have a longer relationship, such as with my Joseph, it is a different relationship now than when he was a boy. In the end, lonliness is a part of life. In us is a need to be with another. God is indeed able to bring us through our lonliness. I have stayed with boys over the years and God has alleviated the times in which I felt lonlely. However, God does not want us to be lonley a lot. Therefore, I am hoping that He will "send me a lover," a person that can fufil the needs of security and lonliness that a boy cannot give. Don't get me wrong: With a boy, I have expereinced incredible depths of love, and we have a "tight" connection. My name is on the hearts of many boys. Indeed I am thankful! Yet, I need more. I want more! Thus, lonliness exists. Unfortunaltely, in an adult relationship lonliness can also exist. With a boy it is a gaurantee that lonliness will occur. With an adult relationship, there are more years in which we feel "less lonely." I realize both types of relationships won't take away the lonliness, but in an adult reltionship, there seems to be less lonliness. Perhaps God is using all of this lonliness to make us look to him? ~Once a Boy |
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