Living in the Light
Submitted by Mark on December 23 2000 16:05:29
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Living in the light I was reading the following passage and it raised issues I've been thinking about, and I think I need to discuss with people. As I wrote down my thoughts, I ended up getting very honest about what I think and feel. I hope you will respect that and reply thoughtfully. John 3:19-21 (NIV): This is the verdict: Light has come into the world, but men loved darkness instead of light because their deeds were evil. Everyone who does evil hates the light, and will not come into the light for fear that his deeds will be exposed. But whoever lives by the truth comes into the light, so that it may be seen plainly that what he has done has been done through God. This passage reminds me of what Pastor Tim, a non-boylover who posted here two years ago, asked us. If we really believed we were doing nothing wrong, he wanted to know, why did we hide behind nicknames? Why were we so secretive about our identities and locations? On the one hand, the answer is obvious: there is a real possibility that announcing this information publicly will lead to attacks in real life from vigilantes who believe that all boylovers do terrible harm to boys. It might even lead to investigation by authorities who believe the same thing. On the other hand, there is a related question. Must we keep our sexual orientation secret from everyone in real life? I dare not tell others the real reason I have internet friends around the world or why I am taking a trip when I go to visit them. I dare not tell friends at church what I am thinking or praying about when a sermon or Sunday School lesson relates to my situation as a boylover. When they ask me what I think about a certain passage of scripture, emotional/spiritual/ethical question, or political issue, I often feel unable to answer honestly. Keeping the part of my life that is more honest separate and secret seems to be a barrier to maturing emotionally and spiritually. It also seems to perpetuate a sense of shame about my identity. How can I live a life of integrity in such a situation? In his book "And Then I Became Gay" (available at www.amazon.com), Cornell researcher Ritch Savin-Williams writes that isolation, secrecy, and feelings of being "fake" lead gay males to retreat altogether from intimacy with others, resulting in a "poverty of intimacy" (p. 161). (It should be noted that he did not study those who have found emotional health in the ex-gay approach). Savin-Williams claims that those in his study who achieved a positive identity as gay had a harmonious self-image, an "integrated, soothing self." They were fully functional, warm, and caring; had less anger toward heterosexuals; and evaluated themselves as worthy people (p. 181). What helped them achieve this? The two things most commonly mentioned by those in his study were self-analysis, and acceptance and support received from straight friends to whom they disclose their orientation (p. 201). So it certainly seems that ending the secrecy, at least with trusted friends, will promote significant growth toward emotional health. To what extent am I prevented from doing this by a sense of shame for my feelings and desires? So this leads to a deeper question. Do I really believe that I am doing nothing wrong in having sexual thoughts, desires, fantasies, and yes, even enjoying them and masterbating? Can I be honest with God and face him? On the one hand, I pray that "thy kingdom come, thy will be done, on earth as it is in heaven;" that I would be part of that kingdom, and that I would do his will. I want think of myself as a good, respectable person who would not want to commit a terrible sexual sin. On the other hand, society and church says my sexual desires are evil, sinful, and predatory. For me (and I realize others are different), it seems natural and healthy to take the pro-gay approach rather than the ex-gay one: to integrate my sexuality as something that can be controlled and expressed in a good way, not something that must be kept separate and suppressed. I have trouble accepting the idea that the affectionate part of my orientation is good, but the sexual part--all feelings and any expression of them at all--is sinful. After all, it is the sexual aspect that makes me a boylover as opposed to a straight man who has special place in his heart for boys. So I try to imagine a situation where I could express my orientation fully but in a responsible, healthy way. Savin-Williams writes that for gay men, while sex was a rare context for developing a positive self-concept, "being in love, feeling lovable, and loving another formed the nucleus of having an overall positive view of oneself." (p. 190) He claims that people are prewired for loving and strong emotional attachments in the context of which they can feel safe, secure, and nurtured. Falling in love is critical to feeling comfortable with one's orientation, and leads to a feeling of completeness, high self-esteem, and self-acceptance (p. 159). So I think about how boylovers can do this. Some do it by being intimate with another boylover. I don't feel like that could work for me. So I consider the possibilities for a romantic relationship with an adolescent boy who reciprocates. In Savin-Williams' study, many gay males in their adolescence sought romantic emotional relationships (as opposed to those who wanted just sex). 20% of their first gay adolescent romances occurred with a man 10 years or more older (he gives examples of ages 15 and 45, 14 and 26, 12 and 22). Savin-Williams writes, "Perhaps the most striking differences in these age-discrepant relationships was the manner in which the younger partner viewed the relationship. They seldom regarded it as merely an infatuation but as an opportunity for growth and development...Another benefit of many age-discrepant relationships was that they helped a youth feel better about being gay. This was seldom anything but an extremely positive outcome...Contrary to stereotypes, the older partner was not a 'lecherous old man' but someone in his twenties with whom the youth was infatuated and to whom the youth was grateful for being a positive influence on his development. Also, in contrast to stereotypes, relationships with widely discrepant age differences between the partners appeared quite similar to those in which the two were of the same age. They tended to be positive relationships which, on relection, helped the adolescent more readily identify as gay, feel better being gay, and learn much about himself." (pp. 176-178). I realize that everyone is different. Not every gay boy wants or needs such a relationship, nor does every boylover. But I feel I do. For myself, I do not feel healthy when I "struggle" with my sexual feelings. I feel healthier with the idea that there is a way for me to express them. Not too long ago, I woke up from a dream in which I was terrified that I could die without ever experiencing a romantic relationship. The truth is I ache for one. Is it sinful to seek one? Can I face God and say that I think such a relationship could be beautiful and good? I can--at least if the relationship were emotional and romantic but the boy and I did not have sex. Is such a relationship even possible? I have been told that when you put two males together who are attracted to each other they can't control themselves. I don't buy that. I know of straight couples in a dating relationship who do not have sex. What if sex does occur? Of course there is too great a risk of trauma for both of us if others found out. But would such a relationship be inherently good or bad? I read Savin-Williams' descriptions of positive man-boy romantic and sexual relationships, and want one. I do not know if I can face God and say such a relationship, or my desire for one, is good. Is this because of God's will itself, or is it because of what society has told me? Or is it simply because of the law? Would it solve the problem if I moved to a place where the age of consent is lower? So I come out at the point where I want to integrate my sexuality into my identity in a healthy way. I do not know of any books or people in the mental health community that know how to help boylovers in particular do this. So I look for answers by reading books about gay youth, books and articles about boylove, and thoughtful posts by boylovers. I have come to the position that it would be healthy, fulfilling, and morally acceptable to have a romantic relationship with an adolescent boy. Sex may or may not be healthy or morally acceptable, but I want for it to be. In the U.S. as it is now, it is too risky because of legal and societal reactions. Thoughtful comments are welcome. Mark |
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