I am so confused right now. Please help!
Submitted by Lemonhead on February 17 2001 21:39:44
|
Hello everyone. I am new here, but I want to post my story. I am so thankful for a place where people will understand where I am coming from and can relate. Hopefully that will be proven true here. I don't understand this. I love being with boys. I prefer being with them many times to any other people. There are two 10 year old boys that I am pretty close with right now, and I see them on a regular basis. They often come to my house and hang out here. I thought all along that my feelings of boylove were innocent, but I am finding myself more and more lusting after and desiring these boys. The thought of that disgusts me and excites me at the same time. I hate it. I hate it. I hate it! I don't want to be the kind of person who is attracted to young kids. That is criminal to act on your desires when this is your situation. I live for those moments of affection from these boys. I live for the touches and comments of how much they like "just being with me." This is not natural. Why does it happen? I feel that I am in over my head. This is taking over my thought life many times. I am a Christian. I know that God loves me. I know that God forgives. I know that temptation is not a sin, but lust is. I can honestly say that I have no desire to actually have sex with these kids. Zero desire at all, and I say that honestly. What I desire is to see them naked. And while I haven't acted on this desire and told myself that I never would, I know that I have come close to commiting sinful acts against them in order to fulfill my desires. I am plagued with guilt and the feeling that I am a fake. When the parents of these boys express appreciation for me giving my attention to their kids, I can't feel anything but guilt. If they only knew that my true motives were horribly sinful and selfish! Much of my attraction to these boys is emotional, but there is also a large physical attraction too. Why am I like this? I would give anything to be able to control these temptations. I would love be rid of the temptations, actually. I am wondering about this theory. Tell me what you think: I remember when I was about five or six, there was a group of neighborhood boys that used to come to my house and play in our camper in our backyard. These boys were older than me-- probably about nine years old or so. I remember that for a while, there were some pretty perverted games that went on in that camper when I was there. I knew that they were wrong, but I remember being strangely attracted to those games. I remember how excited I would get when the boys would take their pants off. I remember thinking that I wanted to do that too. I remember one of the kids taking me aside, just the two of us, and he took off all of his clothes. We didn't do anything, but I remember how excited I was about that-- he chose me to show his naked body to. Is it possible that I confused acceptance with nudity, and have never been able to separate the two? What's difficult is how unaccepted this is to be like this. I feel that I can't tell anyone about my desires. I have friends that I consider good friends, but how close can you really be when you can't share your biggest struggle with someone? I have prayed and prayed about this, but I have not been able to get over this attraction. I would love to love boys without the physical attraction. I am a school teacher at a Christian school. What do you think of that? Is this a bad place for me to be? What advice, opinions or comments do you have for me? Lemonhead |
Follow ups: