Why God, did you make me this way???!!!
Submitted by Finny12 on March 12 2001 16:52:57
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I've had enough. Why the fuck did You make me this way??? I am mad as hell at you God. You tell me to love something that I cannot possibly ever love the way I want to. And it's not sexual either... it's pure love -- the simple caring for another individual -- in my case, a boy. I watch movies and whenever I see a boy in it I get all choked up and am reminded of what a miscreant I am. I can never be sure if I am a product of the Lord or a product of the devil. This is how it works... 1.) I visually see a boy. 2.) In the matter of a few tenths of a second I think of the possibilities of friendship and of all the great things me and this boy could do together. 3.) After one or two seconds elapses I turn to hatred. In a fit of rage I physically get out of my chair or place and speak out loud -- a curse or some other angry phrase. 4.) I become overwhelmed with emotion and shut my feelings off (except for this time, of course) ----- This is ridiculous... Either God is a cruel and malevolent person or something bad has happened to me that God Himself cannot control (or doesn't want to). This is crazy. I am going insane. I am not in the position to hurt anyone so don't worry. I'm just going nuts with these feelings. I'm physically pounding the keys making a loud noise in my living space. On the outside I appear to be doing well. On the inside I am nothing but turmoil and hatred and love; as if those three things could ever be possibly mixed together. I'm slipping fast. I am suspended by three strings -- the snapping of any one of them could cause my death: (1) my job; (2) the boy I love; and (3) my mother (who would feel great pain should I die). I'm sorry. I'm angry. I'm... I'm confused. Please HELP! - Finny |
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