further insight (reply to Jules)
Submitted by Splash! on January 28 2002 16:01:01
In reply to a new insight into boylove (reply to tigris) submitted by Splash! on January 28 2002 15:42:26
|
Here, I am quoting and replying to an earlier post by Jules. I can remember from the age of about 6 or 7 having that very strong feeling of yearning or longing for another boy, which now I would call sexual, and know can be relieved by orgasm. At that age I didn't think of it as a sexual feeling, although I might have called it 'love'. But I suppose if I had known the enjoyment of masturbation I would have known that feeling to be related to genital release. I had a good friend when I was about 5 or 6. One time I saw him with his shorts down and his butt sticking out. I remember feeling very "turned on" (or "in love") with seeing him like that, and I repeated that image in my mind over and over again. I also remember having those "in love" (turned on) feelings when seeing how parents and sons interacted with each other. From then on, I started looking at boys' butts and feeling "in love" with them. Instead of masturbating (which I didn't learn until I was 12), I'd play pretend with these images and go to bed hoping I'd dream about the boys and being part of a family with other boys. The question is whether masturbating, thinking about this boy, would have done me any harm. I can't think that it would. I would have been thinking about his cute face, and finding that the genital feeling was nice at the same time. That would have linked 'love' with 'genitals', but that link was going to come some time or other. I wonder if my early "fantasizing" about other boys somehow locked in my future destiny as a boylover? I still had the "normal" growing sexual feelings for girls my age, but my sexual feelings for boys never left. As for the thought that masturbating at that age would have fixed my sexual attraction on boys, I can't comment, because my attraction was fixed on boys anyway, without masturbating about it! Once again, I wonder if the masturbating and fantasizing somehow kept us from getting past it? I think one of the things that might have made a different for me, and helped my find an interest in girls as well, was greater freedom about sexual matters generally, rather than it being a taboo subject. Less shame at being naked, less embarassment, and so on. I'm fairly sure of this, because this is what has happened to me much more recently, in my early thirties. Deciding not to be ashamed of being a sexual being, and deciding that it's ok to be naked. All these things have recently helped me to ease up about sex, and I've discovered one result of this has been a growing interest in young women alongside my interest in boys. (But note it's alongside rather than instead of.) Nudity didn't seem to be a problem, but I've always been modest. I hated being nude at school in the boys' locker-room for a couple reasons. 1) Because I feared I might get turned on in the sight of them, and 2) Because I didn't want them thinking I wasn't as pretty as them (or something like that). I still feel that way -- like I'm not "pretty" enough; though, from what others tell me, I'm far from ugly. This may have a link back to my father taking my brother places but leaving me home alone -- my not feeling accepted. And this may have a link with my wanting to be accepted and loved by other males, especially boys my age. I guess there's all kinds of different factors that were involved in making us who we are today. Splash |
Follow ups: