My recent experiences
Submitted by Reason Filled on 2003-02-20 00:02:49, Thursday
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I have not posted much to the forum lately, due to my busy schedule, and hectic living arrangements. To summarize, I recently moved in with my step-sister's family. Basically, we all moved to another part of the state for business reasons, and I didn't have time to get my own place yet. Needless to say, both me and my step-sister's 6yo son (C)(whom I spend a lot of time with anyways) were excited about this. The problem of my sleeping arrangement arose on the first night, after we moved in. They didn't have room for their long couch in this house, therefore, I had no place to sleep. So, I ended up sleeping in C's bed with C. After that, the sleeping arrangements were solved, for the time being. I slept, every single night, with C. Needless to say, I hardly got any sleep. I mostly just laid and stared at C, while he slept. He was usually already asleep by the time I went to bed, but C would always roll over close to me as soon as I got in bed. This went on for a few weeks and after each night, my feelings became more and more difficult to control. As I stated in a post below, your mind will try to deceive you. I would interpret things like him laying on top of me in the mornings and him wanting me to rub his back as signs that he felt the same way about be as I did him. After I was away from him for some time, like when he was at school, I would be able to think clearly and see that that was not the case. My problems, however, began to increase. More and more, C would start to pull out his privates and flash them at me as a joke. My rational mind knew that this was typical childlike behavior, but it gave the devious side of my mind cannon fodder to try to convince myself otherwise. Some nights, C would attempt to pull down my boxers, claiming that he wanted to see my genitals. Thankfully, I had the self control to stop him (the fact that his parents were in the other room helped also). For a while, whenever we were alone, such as when his parents and siblings were out, he would seem to always try to show his or look at my genitals. He was not discreet about it either. He would tell me, quite loudly how he has seen me in the shower before and that he should be allowed to see and touch my genitals (he used another word than genitals, of course). This frightened me, not only because he was testing my weakness, but because I constantly imagined what would happen if his parents were to walk in at a key moment where my trying to make C stop showing his privates would look like something else. Eventually, I told C, one night while he lay next to me, that he cannot do those types of things with me. That if his parents were to catch him doing that or someone else, they might think we were doing something bad, and I would probably never get to see him again. I then worried that even telling him that was the wrong thing to do. At the time, however, he seemed to get the just of what I was saying. I stressed that I would never be allowed to be with him again, and he seemed to get serious and nod in understanding. Since then, it has died off, but he still likes to try me. After a week or so more, C's fascination with me decreased, due to my living under the same roof with him. He stopped running over to see me as soon as I got home, or he got back from school. He started to spend more and more time with his siblings than me. He got bored with the idea of me sharing a bed with him and he started sleeping with his younger brother some nights. As Genghis mentioned below, it can be quite depressing when you start realizing that your yf does not think about you as much as you do he. I started to think I had done something wrong. Eventually I saw the mistake I made by not accepting, right off, that a boy cannot feel the same way about me as I do him. I saw that I was basing how I felt each day on whether C was around me or not, or whether I would get to sleep with C or not. I was using C like a drug. He was what I needed to feel normal, and that was wrong. At one point in all this, I became very upset. I felt as if I would either crack, or be forced to move away and not be with C so much. I took it up with God. One day, while driving, I started praying. Asking for the strength to continue to fight my desires. But then, my praying turned into anger. I started asking God why he would allow me to not only have such terrible desires in me, but to be tested and tempted so much. "Why God, am I afflicted with such thoughts?" I said determined to get an answer. Without hesitation, I felt God speak to me. "Because I knew you are strong enough to defeat it." I immediately began to cry. Now, the line "because I knew you are strong enough." doesn't seem like much, but, as you probably know, when God speaks to your heart, your understanding of what He is telling you would take a thousand times more words to put into writing. From that simple one-liner I got from God, I knew exactly what He meant. Not only did I just know what He meant, but I felt it too. A complete sensation of peace came over me. As the Bible tells us, God knew us before we were born. I was created this way for a purpose. True, there are many tribulations I must endure, but God would not have allowed it, had He known I was not strong enough. I cried because I knew that God was telling me that He had not abandoned me to my weakness, but that He was with me every step of the way. I may not pass with a perfect 100, but God knows my heart, and loves me no matter what. Brothers, I pray that God gives you the same feeling I felt at that moment. That you know that no matter how bleak things get, He will never leave your side. Simply call upon Him for strength, and you will never be too weak. As curter illustrated below we cannot allow boys to become idols in our lives. We must not base how we feel on them. We need to be happy with ourselves and God. We must FIRST find that happiness before we go trying to help others be happy. I am trying to get to a point where I can truly say that I could live the rest of my life happy, even if I never saw another boy, and that my happiness is based on my relationship with God. I believe, then, I can truly build healthy relationships with boys, and keep them Godly. I thank God for you all, and this forum as you all are a blessing to me in my times of trial. In Christ, RF (PS Forgive any spelling or grammatical errors, It's late and I didn't feel like proof reading this long butt post) :) |
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