Time to bore you...but please help.
Submitted by BLues on October 24 1999 at 03:32:07
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Recently, whenever I post or reply to a posting, my messages are upbeat. But away from that I am anything but upbeat. I really must get this out so please bear with me. My days for the past 4 almost 5 years have been like this...Mon. through Fri. I go to work. Night shift. 6pm-430am. (I usually get off earlier) after work I go home, read magazines, watch TV, play computer games, get online, basically do nothing. Around 7 or 8 am. I go to sleep. Sleep until about 430pm and go to work again. Thats my whole week. Weekends are the same minus the work part. Im dying. I am a boylover. And I haven’t any boys in my life at all. Unless you count my boyfriends age 11 picture on the computer. My BF tries to understand and I guess he does as well as any non-boylover could. I guess I should explain why I haven’t had any boycontacts for so long. I wont go into the details, theyre far to long, but when I was about 21 I fell madly in love with an 11 yr. old. Michael. To make this long story short he told me he was gay and he loved me and we were so close and such pals. We never had sex so dont curse me! Anyway, one night he told his mother that he was gay and asked her what she would do if he told her that he was in love with me. She answered him by never allowing me to see him again. And I haven’t. That was 6 or 7 years ago. For a long time after that I prayed nearly every night to be taken from this earth. He was so perfect. I couldn’t in a million years conjure up in my imagination a more perfect boy. And, he loved me the same way that I loved him. I guess thats why I took it so hard because I knew that it would take me several lifetimes to ever meet another like him again. I wandered around for a while. I was in the military at the time and requested SF training, got it, eventually fell into a deep dark depression because I just couldn’t let it go. I couldn’t move on. No matter what I did, how much I prayed, how much I trained and how much time I spent learning how to kill for uncle sam, I just couldn’t get him off of my mind. It was around this time I started seeing a counselor. I never told her Michael’s real age, I said he was 18. Anyway, she didn’t think that I was fit to remain in the military as an NCO, and I agreed and got an Honorable Discharge. I had nowhere to go. My Michael was gone, along with the only people I knew, the ones that knew him. My family, well, I’ll just say that I don’t have a family, save for my brother who lives with me now and my boyfriend, but back then I had nobody. Nobody that cared enough to see the situation I was in. So, all I had was my car. I packed it up and drove to Richmond, VA. I was going to try to stay with an old buddy of mine down there who I knew from the National Guard. I had lived with him once before while I was on a tour at AP HILL. Anyway, he couldn’t let me stay there. I dont blame him though. I didn’t have a job and Im sure I must have seemed pretty desperate. So I stayed on the streets for a while. My money ran out and I went more than a couple of days without eating. Just so you know I had been saved and, of course at times like that, prayed and read my bible a whole lot. God was listening but I didn’t know it. Anyway, I was extremely hungry so I called my mother and she refused to help me. I told her I was gay years ago and ever since then our relationship, well, we don't have one any more. So, I called another guy I knew in Richmond. I had been holding off on calling this guy because I knew him to be an old pervert. Driving in a car with him one day he reached over and started, well, feeling me... Anyway, I asked if I could borrow some money for food and he said fine but he wanted something in return. So, faced with the alternative, I said sure. So disgusting thinking back on that. He was about 55 years old and looked 80. Im not proud of that but Im sure he thinks nothing of it. Anyway, with my belly full and my car out of gas in a parking lot I pondered what to do. My car wasn’t paid for yet so I figured I better call the guys who financed it, my old commander from a unit I was in. I told him I could no longer make payments on it and told him where to come get it. He said he would be there in a couple hours. Once he got there with a wrecker I proceeded to pack up my duffel bag with whatever I could fit into it. He asked where I was going. (we were pretty much friends and all. He was a Lt. Colonel but he always treated me different than he did other enlisted guys, I think it was cause I looked so young, which I was always suspicious about) I told him I didn’t know but not to worry cause there wasn’t anything that I couldn’t handle. I knew better. The first thing I was going to look for was a high bridge...He must have seen something in my eyes, a desperation, I dunno, but he pretty much ordered me to get into the truck and come back home with him. He said I could sleep in the yard behind his house and he would give me a job working at his car lot. I didn’t let my pride stand in the way of jumping at that. He had a beautiful place. Woodsy and clean. I loved it a lot. I was there for a year. Both he and his wife treated me like their own son. Every morning he would go out on the porch and whistle to wake me up (he had a very loud whistle, the kind that men do where they stick their fingers in their mouth) I would get dressed and come up to the house and shower. After that his wife would fix me breakfast. Then we would go to work. Again, these people were saints. Well, actually Joe was a racist, but he was always good to me. Without him I wouldn’t be here putting you to sleep with my life story...:o) I stayed there for about a year and got restless one day and left without saying goodbye. I traveled up north, northern VA that is and got a job working in a factory. That was five years ago. What a boring five years it’s been. There have been fun times, singing a coffee shops, rock climbing, mountain trips, but its really getting to me. There arent any and haven’t been any boys in my life for so long. Is anyone else’s life boyless? Do you think this is bad for me? My life is without the things that bring me my greatest joy. What should I do? I dunno. I keep waiting for God to put me somewhere, make something happen, I know most will say just join the church up the street and take it from there. I just dont feel right in church anymore. It used to be so inspiring to me but now I just pick it apart. I guess I haven’t turned my back on God, just on going to church. I dunno. Its a hard time for me lately and although this board has helped me a lot it severely depresses me to hear all of the stories about so and so spending time with the boys and Ben and the twins and everyone else’s boy who count on them daily. I need that in my life. I know I do. I am strong enough not to have it, Ive gone this long, but its hard. I want to hear others opinions on my situation. Should I just hang tight for a while and ride it out. Should I try to force the issue and join some group just to get access to boys? I dont think I should. Anyway, please comment on anything else in this post if you want to. Im not going to get online for a few days. I need some quiet time. Please be patient with me, I will respond to everyone who respons to this I just cant be here for a next couple days. BLues. (who is in his life desperate once again) |