...to the truth?


So I was watching figure skating with my family (not something I particularly enjoy, but it was the only thing I felt like doing at the moment), sitting there, nitpicking the performances, thinking about how people 'waste their hours watching this stuff' when out comes this American, some Adam Rippon, and completely obliterates any past notion I had of the sport. When he finished all I could think of was: "WOW. I can't believe that just happened. It was the most beautiful, emotional, joyous thing I've ever seen a human do with his body". I cried a little (no one noticed) and generally felt uneasy the rest of the day.

Now, the guy's 19yo. Waaay past my AOA in males (12-14), but I couldn't help noticing as soon as he was on camera how attractive I found him.

"but he's a GUY"
"So?"
"he's almost your age"
"so?!"
"he can probably grow a moustache"
"but...I feel strange!"
"you're NOT gay, you're a BL"
"am I really? I mean, if I were to see him on the street, I would not hesitate to talk to him; and you know how terribly timid I am"
"you're just making hopeful lies"
"shut up already, I LOVE HIM, I mean look at him! look at that smile. I bet he's a happy person. OMG I won't be able to sleep tonight"
"think of your YF"
"he won't mind"
"think of your mother, what will she say"
"she'll never find out"
"but you HATE figure skating"
"who told you THAT?"
"he's a GUY, dammit (makes slapping noise). Snap out of it!"
"ow! hey! leave me alone! Why can't you be happy when something good happens to me? why do you have to question, dissect, and rationalize every impulse, feeling, thought, and desire I ever get?? Huh??? Tough guy??"
"I'm just trying to stop you from making another mistake, is all. You know how you are, but if you don't wanna listen to me, fine, but don't come to me when you want to clean up the mess (leaves)"
"finally. Oh, great, I missed the scores!...Dang, he's pretty, and he made me cry, that's plus points...oh, what's wrong with me? (sighs)"

All this made me remember how Exceptionally Forgiving I was of my YF when he'd do something stupid, selfish, or just plain wrong. He could have run me over with his skateboard going as fast as he could and I would have said it was all right.

It also made me wonder if being smitten with a certain someone of your own gender, be it young or peer, makes us fight internally so hard to justify the attraction, to sanitize it and make it acceptable for everyday use. I mean, don't get me wrong, when you truly fall in love with someone, well, you're pretty much screwed in terms of rationality anyway, but it's one thing to love someone with all your heart and another to look at them with less than pure thoughts (things you pretty much know when it crosses your mind: "if he knew what I'm thinking of right now, he would NOT be glad!)

So which is it? The chicken or the egg? Or maybe we can't tell anymore!