Well heres the thing. I guess to me my thinking is that stan knows i'm called to youth ministry and is trying to derail that with these temptations, again who knows might be a little of both.

The youth ministry is built on small groups. I have a group of about 3 boys.

The first I know him and his parents really well and have for the past year. His dad used to be a youth leader and we have talked and he has brought up discussions on like not being alone with one kid and stuff. I was not showing it but when this happened I was kinda shaken up thinking maybe he suspects something. Well turns our a year later we still talk I still hang around his son so probably not. I do however basically look at his son as off-limits. Though at times I have thought about other tings with him. This past summer I caught of glimpse of his son changing his shirt and though I don't really want to admit it, I really liked that and had to work to keep my composure.

The next boy I would say I have a special relationship with. In that him and his dad aren't close, his dad works alot. I know him mom well though and work with her in another ministry in the church. His older sister is also a youth leader, at first we we were hanging out she was a little protective, his mom I guess you could say didn't see anything wrong with it. My intentions were never bad with him, though I would say I've had many moments alone with him and though nothing ever happened I have though about it.

The last boy I've known the longest, and he's also the youngest. He lives just a few houses down from me and I know both of his parents well. I would say hes the one i think about the most when I do these things. His parents though are very protective. Last time the youth group had an overnight event not long ago they were asking how many kids and leaders were there. But his mom also told me one at one point that they'll let him go because i was there and they trust me. Now that really hurts because I would never want to do anything to violate that trust but hes the one I would say I struggle the most with. This past summer a bunch of people from our church put a team together for this overnight walk thing. I was there and so was him and his sisters, his parents didn't come though. We had two tents setup on our campsite one for the boys and one for the girls. Me and him were the only ones in the boys tent. And though nothing wrong happened we did both wake up in the middle of the night to find that I had actually without thinking about it in my sleep reached over and began to cuddle with him. I asked him he he minded if I did this, he said it was fine so I didn't bother to move to the other side of the tent or anything and we just went back to sleep. Nothing else happened but for the next few days I was really sweating it thinking is he going to tell someone? what would they thing? I think that it was really kinda innocent myself despite well my issues, but who knows what someone else would think about that.

On top of all of this I am really torn as to whether I am doing more good than bad for these boys.