Sharing My Secret
Reflections on My First Gathering

By Ryan

In middle and high school I was a typical American teenage kid.  I had crushes on girls, and friends and I gossiped, exchanged lewd jokes, and shared our fantasies.  Occasionally we looked at inappropriate pictures on the Internet and in magazines. 

But unlike my friends, and unbeknownst to me at the time, my sexual feelings were not just limited to the opposite gender. I first became aware of my attraction to younger boys in eleventh grade, and since then my feelings for them have steadily grown stronger until things seem to have reversed. Even though I still harbor a hint of attraction to girls, there is no doubt that it is now no longer the major focus of my sexual attractions.

About three years ago (I turned twenty-one last January), I went to the Internet in search of information regarding my predicament. In light of societal norms, I dared not discuss this with any of my friends or school counselors. Among the websites I discovered was BoyChat. Later on, after a friend introduced me to the Christian faith, I also visited the Christian Boylove Forum.

In the interim I left the boylove community for about two years, but six months ago I came back like the prodigal son and became a more active member of CBF. My return was in part prompted by a deeper involvement with Christianity, which raised many moral questions about boylove.

I also began getting involved with a couple of youth groups in my town, and yearned to know more about why I feel the way I do. Posting in the Christian Boylove Forum provided an outlet for me, but it did not fulfill my desire completely.

When I heard about the Gathering, I immediately longed to go. A close friend and fellow CBFer thought it was a very risky proposition, but perhaps due to my adventurous spirit, I did not hesitate to make plans to attend. The three-day-long Gathering was a life-changing experience. The intensity of the weekend almost equaled my being saved by Jesus two years ago.

The media portrays pedophiles as child molesters. Boylovers are pedophiles, so on the first day I could not help thinking that these guys were creeps, even though I was one myself. It was a small shock to go from never having seen a single boylover to meeting six of them at once! But as I got to know them better, it became easier to shake off my prejudices and chat freely with them.

For the first time in my life, I was able to share my most shameful secret without fear of reprisal. I was the youngest attendee, and I am very grateful that my newfound friends were willing to share with me their life-long experiences in dealing with these emotions.

Once I started talking with a fellow boylover, new questions kept on arising, and if the Gathering had been one week long I am sure I would not have had any trouble filling up the time with discussion. I still do not have answers to some questions, but just talking frankly about them was a most welcome breath of fresh air.

The organizers made the time pass by quickly, with picnics, dinners and an outing to the heart of St. Louis. It was an awesome time for soul and spirit.

I had thought that meeting fellow Christian boylovers would ease my concerns and make me a "happier" person. I was right and wrong. While I am very glad to have fostered friendships with fellow Christian boylovers, now I have to face the prospect of caring only about boys forever. For some reason, I greatly dread this possibility.

A fellow boylover suggested that if there were any way I could rekindle my heterosexual feelings and get married, I should. The last time I had a crush on a girl was the summer of 2001. It was not intense, but it was there, and I hope that one day I may be able get married and have kids of my own. I do not mean to force myself to stop caring about boys, but rather to have an attraction to both boys and women. This will be an extremely tough task to accomplish.

I believe that God works miracles, and that he expresses Himself to us through our daily lives. This weekend I witnessed such a miracle. The night before my departure, my roommate and I were reflecting on how God speaks to us. God provided an answer the very next day on my drive home. I had in my CD player Carol by the American Boychoir, and my favorite tracks are numbers 4 and 12, This Christmastide and Come All Ye Faithful. I listened to track 4, and after it ended pressed the "random" key on the player. The next selection that came on was Come All Ye Faithful. I was surprised, and thought it might simply be coincidence. After that song came the unbelievable. This Christmastide played again. With 13 tracks on the CD, the chance of this happening is 1 in 156. And it occurred the day right after our related discussion. This is the clearest sign yet after I was saved that God was making himself known to me.

Sexuality is a taboo subject in our culture, and the idea of heterosexuality being the only true orientation is deeply entrenched in our society. Barriers are slowly being broken down, but many Christian groups still believe that homosexual people are living a sin. I do not think so, and although I am trying to steer myself toward being straight again, I embrace this part of me that loves kids and trust that God made me this way for a reason.  I am a boylover, and I love boys.

Ryan is a college student in the United States.