Happiness and Heartbreak
A Personal Story

By B.J. Grey

I have or have had emotional and sexual attractions towards prepubescent or adolescent boys for many years. My attraction to boys began when I was a young boy myself, although I didn't know anything about boylove at that time. I just thought I was "queer." I was around 10 or 11 at the time.  I don't think that I was ever effeminate, although when my older sister would take my picture, I would seem to pose like I had seen movie actresses do before, trying to be seductive (I didn't know what that meant back then), not macho. I was never into sports or other things most boys enjoyed. I enjoyed jumping rope with the girls.

As a young teen, I started hanging around with boys, but mostly preteen boys. I never had a girlfriend nor was I ever really interested in girls. My first sexual experience was with a boy a few months younger than me. I guess from then on, I considered myself queer. This was around 1959 and I was 13. My attractions were always for boys of preteen and early teen ages. After my first sexual experience, all of my experiences were just in my head, dreams if you will.

As a young adult, I still seemed to hang around the boys, even though I still knew nothing about boylove. I always tried to be as close as possible to one or more of them--a hand on a shoulder, a pat on the back, and sometimes a swat on the butt. But somehow I knew not to do the things I really wanted to do, sexually. I think now that "somehow" was God saying, "Simply love them!" And I did my best.

I know that my mother sensed something from the time of my first sexual encounter because one day when I was in my 20's, she had a "talk" with me. She knew about things I had done in the past. And she said I should be very careful about spending so much time with boys. I always tried to be extremely careful. My work hours left little time to spend with boys anyhow.

Then around 1984, I met and fell in love with a 14 year old boy. He didn't seem to get along real well with his step-father and he seldom saw his real father. I became a father figure to him. He spent a lot of time at my house and we got to know each other real well.

Like many teenagers, he was very open about sex and sexual actions. He didn't mind being naked around me. I thought that since he was so open, it might be possible for me to be honest with him about how I felt both romantically and sexually.  To be truthful, I even had a little hope that a sexual relationship might be possible. I told him about my sexual attraction to him. He didn't wince or go into orbit or anything like that. He just said that he had sensed my attraction.

But he wanted our relationship to remain as it was. He confided to me about things that had happened to him before. When he was 12, he had another "friend" that would buy him things and do things with him but in return, this "friend" wanted to have sex with him. He felt like he owed it to that "friend" so he did have sex. He never told me to what extent and I didn't want to know. He said that friendship didn't last because there was no love. He said that our friendship was based on love and he didn't want to mess that up with sex. It didn't get messed up but it was sure hard on me seeing a beautiful naked boy every once in a while. Our relationship could have lasted a lot longer than it did, but I made a mistake!

My YF, who by now was 16, had a 6 year old brother. He had been bugging me about spending the night for a long time. I finally gave in. I had held out because the kid was a bit of a brat. My YF couldn't stay that night so it was just the two of us. That evening while the little brother was taking his bath and playing and making a mess in the bathroom, I went to my bedroom, undressed, and lay across my bed, waiting for him to finish so I could take my shower. I thought I would be able to hear him if he should come out of the bathroom. I was wrong! Next thing I knew, I felt his hand touch my knee and he started giggling. He started asking questions about all sorts of personal stuff. He wanted to know if God would send a boy to hell for doing naughty things. I talked to him the best I could after I calmed down and told him that God would not send boys to hell. He wouldn't like for boys to do some of those things but He wouldn't send them to hell. That was the end of that, or so I thought!

A few months later, he was caught in sexual activity with another boy his age and when he was questioned about what he was doing, he described the night he spent with me. I was arrested! I think they thought that I had sexually molested him. But all they could do was charge me with lewd and lascivious behavior in the presence of a child. That ended the relationship with my YF. The younger brother grew up and remained openly gay. My YF served his country, got married and has at least one son. I have not seen my YF in years now.

For several years, I could not be around any youngsters legally. And in fact, I was scared to death to be in the same area as any boy. But in 1996, I met a 12 year old boy and was in love again. My sexual attraction was kept strictly inside me and he only had an older brother. My caring for him was obvious. His mother (divorced) knew I cared and encouraged it. I did my best to bring God into his life. I would always ask that he not use vulgarities and four-letter words which he heard at home all the time. I took him to church with me.  I know that some of my church friends have wondered why I, a single man, spent so much time with a young boy. Nothing was ever said though. When he was 16, he went to live with his real father in another city and I have only heard from him once since then.

I have a big heart.  Is it possible for a BL to have more happiness than heartbreak? It doesn't seem so for me. In a way, I live with a little fear that my friends will find out about my past and shun me. My family knows and I very seldom see any of them except my sisters. At least I know that I have God. I could not have survived without His help.

I have been going to church for the last 12 or so years. I was asked to be a deacon this year and was even elected to be deacon chairman. I have been in our church choir almost since day one. I had always loved to sing in the shower but now I will sing almost anywhere (with a lot of butterflies in the stomach)! I love old country gospel.

I am 56 years old.  With God's blessing, I retired after working 36 years of shift work. Now I seem to have plenty of time but there's not much to do with that time. It has been suggested before that I volunteer for different things such as a coach for little league. I'm not sure, but I think most organizations run a background check and with my record, they would probably say, "No!" I stay pretty much to myself most of the time now. I have a wonderful home that I enjoy. But it sure gets lonesome at times!

B.J. Grey is a retired chemical operator, is active in his church as a deacon, and sings tenor in his church choir.