Do we let shame condem us or do we shine on?
Submitted by Once a boy on October 20 2000 17:34:03
In reply to Prayer? submitted by Comfort on October 20 2000 11:40:30
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Through my "prayer," I was attempting to explain that I am healed by interacting with boys. I believe the only way to be healed is to go into battle with Satan and the tempataion. How will one be tempted if they hide from boys? In being tempted, we are forced to lean on God, and God can bring us through the fire to show us just what we can be. We can play an important role in the life of a boy! To "refuse to participate" makes me wonder what can be learned? Satan is winning when we abstain from the battle because we are obssessed with the fear of the temptaion. We are actually giving our desires more power over us! When I was 18, I developed an intense friendship with a boy who was 11. There was never any sex, but we did come to love one another. I lived many miles away, and he would not take off this wristband til I returned. His entire school was wearing wristbands! When I returned, there was much excitement, fun, and in short, love. When I had to leave to return to college, I hugged him as he cried. We kept in touch through letters and calls, but in time, the relationship kind of fizzled. I was in college, and I was involved in adult relationships. I was not intense about being with him. I felt where I was was fine. I was involved with others, adults. I didn't feel a need to be in his life, and he, too, was enjoying his youth with his friends. Yet I know that there is allways a place in his heart with my name on it, and I too have a place in my heart with his name. Anyway, I did not involve myself with boys for many years, and I felt no real desire to be with boys. My adult relationships were fine, but my biggest spiritual growth actially took place with Joe, an 11 year old, whom I met after college. I am convinced our relationship has survived these past 10 years, because of God. I leaned on God and prayed on behalf of Joseph time and time again. I loved (and still love) him deeply. To describe the entire ten years would take a book. However, in short, God definitely was (and still is) involved in our relationship. I do believe that geting involved with a boy forces us to lean on God for guidance. We are forced to trust in God, to see God's grace, and to grow spiritually closer to Him. In the Bible, it says, "Love the Lord, your God, with all your heart and soul." I learned to do this by getting involved in a Joe's life. I had to lean on God. If I had not, I (with my evil desires) would have destroyed what God brought into my life. I believe I am blessed for having gotten involved. The entire relationship was not pure, not perfect. After spending a week together on a trip, something happened on that last day. Joe was 14. My mind was twisted and actually so was Joe's mind. I think having this happen was good only because it brought me into the wilderness where the power of God's forgiveness and love is what came out of the saddness that came from my fall. God knows I would never purposely hurt Joe, yet I am a sinner. I fell. By playing it safe, I don't see how we can feel God's presence. I believe we must go "into the wildewrness." I am not saying have sexual relationships with a boy! However, through our sinful thoughts, our relationship with God is ultimately stregthened. When you come to love a boy for more than his body, there is peace and healing that does take place. I am not sayiong I no longer have sexual desires. Today, a 10 year old boy came to me as he waitied 40 minutes for his mom to get out of a meeting. I showed him some math trick, and we played and talked about things. At one point, I looked into his eyes, and I felt aroused. I was saddened inside although I reamined happy and continued enjoying his company. After he left, I remembered my post and thought I was not right in my posting. Perhaps. But then again, perhaps the arousal occured to make me remember that although I still have these deisres, God will bring me hope and victory. I am still learning as I go on this journey. Although I doubt I'll ever see that kid again, I don't think I should run and hide should I see him. I am not perfect. God makes us realize that every day! Do I cripple myself by saying I am no good and pull myself down by being in constant shame. Do you think God wants us to walk around with our heads hung low, or do you think He wants us to show the world, that although we can not measure up to God' expectaions, He loves us and wants us to shine on. Everyone sins. We want to please God, so we feel awful when we mess up. Yet, God does not want us to be handcuffed to sin. He wants us to be free from it. The sin of today makes me realize my need for God. It makes me realize just how I cannot live up to God's code of morality, and yet He does not codem me to hell. Jesus died for the sin I just mentioned (and even those sins I am not aware of), so here I am moving forward in constant awe of God's desire for us to be holy, and though we never can do it, He forgives us and truly loves us. Once a Boy |
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