Really need some input on a struggle I'm having
Submitted by Dakota on October 2 2001 15:35:49
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I haven't posted in a long time, partly because I had a hard time finding this place after the old addy didn't work anymore. But I really need some feedback on a situation I seem to be getting into. I hope it doesn't turn out to be too long for people to bother reading. A little background. I am a middle aged christian boylover. I have had inappropriate sexual contact with a few boys in the past, but came to realize that this was unhealthy for the boy, and have refrained from sexual contact with boys for more than 15 years with no slip ups. But I must admit that I enjoy looking at boys and have seen no harm in occasionally surfing the web for sites that feature pictures of boys. These pictures are sometimes of shirtless boys, or in swim trunks, or sometimes non-pornographic nudes. While recently in search of one of those sites, I somehow got connected to all sorts of porn sites that somehow got their sites added to my favorites list and even was added to my desktop. I had to ctl-alt-del to get out of the loop. I'm ashamed to say that I was aroused by this. It offered instant access for a credit card number. I was so enticed that I had my credit card out and was ready to subscribe. Then my brain finally started working. Again, I must admit with shame that my first reluctance wasn't because of the harm that was done to those kids in the pics. My first thoughts were very selfish. I was afraid of getting caught and prosecuted. Although the site promised security, I'm not naive. Then I thought about the kids. While it's true that these pics were already taken and I could do nothing about that, I didn't want to give financial support to the people that did this and indirectly encourage them to take more. And lastly I thought about what God would think. I wish that these thoughts had been reversed and I would have thought about God first, but I want to be honest. So in the end, I did not subscribe and left the site. But now my dilemma. I am disgusted with myself for being turned on by those pics. And I am now wondering if I am wrong to enjoy looking at even non-pornographic pictures of boys. I always thought of looking at those pictures as innocent enjoyment, since the kids in those pics were not abused and had no way of knowing that some guys may look at those pics with a little more enjoyment than mom and dad. But am I just leading myself down a path of lust by looking at shirtless boys that will eventually lead to hard core porn? And I am also wondering now if I am not just a boylover, but a true pervert? I always though a true hug was the ultimate expression of love for a boy, but I enjoyed looking at these pics!! So I am asking you guys, the only people that might understand, what you think. Have any of you had similar struggles? Do you think I am wrong to look at pics of boys, even the non-porno ones? Am I truly a pervert, the kind of person everyone is trying to protect kids from? I guess my self image has been shaken, but I'm not looking for coddling or affirmation. I just want honesty and suggestions on how to deal with it. Thanks to everyone that had the patience to read thru this. I know it's long. Dakota |
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