I feel like crap!
Submitted by just me on 2002-08-20 07:43:38, Tuesday
|
Do you guys ever get discouraged? Do you ever do things that you later regret and even though you know God has forgiven you, you still feel like crap? A few weeks ago, I met up with some guy I met online and in short we had sex! The thing is, I loved it! I enjoyed it and wanted it bad! I wish I could do it again! But man, I'm suppose to be a Christian! I'm not suppose to do these kind of things. Im gay, but I dont want to be gay! I'm attracted to boys, but I hate myself for it! And don't want to be attracted to boys! I don't want to worry day and night that one day, I will grow into a "dity old pervert" and a "sick paedophile" who preys on kids! Why does God leave us with these struggles? I've asked him to make me straight! and he hasn't! I've asked him to make me attracted to adult not kids! But he just want to listen! I read the Bible and Im contantly reminded that as a christian I have to live a certain way. There are things I shouldn't do. I'm suppose to be a "new creation" I have the Holy Spirit living in me (so Im told) but I still have these "unholy sexual desires" how is that possible? Sometimes, I just want to put a gun to me head and pull the trigger! The there's internet porn! I'm addicted to it! I hate it! My computer is packed with "X-Rated photos" and .... I look at them, get aroused and wank! Then I feel guilty. I ask for Gods forgiveness and get really pissed off with myself and then promise not to do it again and delete everything from my computer. But 3-4 days later I end up surfing those sites again and before I know it, those pictures are back on my computer. Do any of you guys, have the same problem? Or am I just some f@#%$d up freak? I hate being who I am, I hate being gay and I hate being attracted to boys! Why the hell am I writing this? Sorry for waisting your time guys, thanks for reading anyway. |
Follow ups: