Jesus (Hey'zeus)
Submitted by meNjesus on May 07 1999 at 16:59:29
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“Church Boy” by a bc regular poster If you grew up in a church going family, you can probably identify with my story. I, like probably thousands of other boy- lovers out there grew up with religious parents. Of course when I was a young boy the farthest thing from my mind was my sexual orientation. I didn't begin to confront my inner feelings until I was in high school. Before that, I denied my feelings for boys. I was concerned with being a good Christian and tried to shut everything else out. I felt good about myself when I was in church, and even decided at the age of eight that I wanted to become a minister. As a kid, I thought a minister had to be near to perfect. I grew up in a family with two strong loving parents whom to this day would give their lives for my happiness. There were none of the so-called tell tale milestones in my life that would predispose me to fall to the wayside and become a pedophile, a lover of boys, (young ones at that!) We were Protestant Pentecostals, and believed that you could live a life abundant if you accepted Jesus Christ as your personal savior. I believed strongly in The Father, Son and Holy Ghost, and that belief is strong to this day. I prayed with the honesty of a child and asked Jesus to come into my heart. I felt clean. From then on, I felt that my prayers went straight to heaven. It was a wonderful feeling, and a wonderful world lay ahead, or so I thought. As I approached puberty, I listened to my brothers and friends talk about girls, all the while my eyes lingered longer than usual on boys my age, more so on ones a little younger than me. I thought it sinful to even put a name to the feelings I was beginning to experience. I pushed it aside and prayed for forgiveness. I told myself that the power of God could accomplish anything. I knew that God would answer my prayers if it was his will, and I really wanted it. As I approached high school, I prayed he would make me attracted to girls. It was particularly hard to keep my thoughts pure after a full day at church, starting with the united Sunday school service which was filled with boys. They sat in front of me, behind me, and beside me. I fought with all my mental strength to drive the images from my mind. My mind would wander during the sermon and I'd imagine the whole congregation was frozen, they could neither see nor hear, and I would get up from the pew, walk over to Everett, the most handsome ten year old in the church, unsnap his trousers and make him get an erection with my mouth. He would hold my head in his hands and tell me he loved me. The image was so strong that I would have to masturbate when I got home just so I could think straight for the rest of the day. during my high school years, I learned that this way I felt was "Homosexual" Crude high school humor taught me all the euphemisms. I wondered what I did to deserve being born this way. I thought since I couldn't change the way I felt, that my faith was weak. I knew nothing of the relation of genetics to sexual orientation. I knew even less about the will of God. I longed to feel as free and pure as I felt as a young child. I became a counselor at church camp, and said that the whole Summer in a Christian environment would be good for my spirituality, knowing all the time down deep that I would thrill to be so close to younger boys. And close to younger boys I was! With twenty boys in my cabin, I was constantly close to them; wrestling, swimming, hiking, changing together, and constantly doing snaps and strings. I was in a state of constant sexual tension. During the first ten day session I stood over a scantily clad sleeping boy about a dozen times considering the possibilities. I considered gently working his penis out of his underpants opening, perhaps I could fondle him to erection with out waking him, or just a gentle lick. It took me to the second camp session to build my nerve. The last straw was finding an innocent boy of about twelve sleeping nude wi th his blanket half fallen from his body. I became instantly erect. I remember to this day my throat feeling so tight I could hardly breath. I have never been more sexually excited in my life as I was standing over that boy when I was sixteen. He became erect in no time under my gentle manipulations. I touched myself once, and instantly ejaculated. I had at last committed an immortal sin and felt sick with guilt. This experience and others that Summer provided me with unlimited fantasy for masturbation. The climax of that Summer was finally sliding my mouth over a sleeping boy's erection. I marveled at the taste and feeling. I was lost in bliss as my tongue began to work. I slipped away in haste as he began to throb in my mouth knowing he was seconds from waking. In high-school I knew what I was, despite my upbringing, the church, and the fact that I asked Jesus in my heart, I knew I desperately wanted to make passionate love to a willing boy. I was determined that at least I would go to college and try to find out how my life went drastically array. I had to find out how the presence of God could be so real to me, and how that feeling coexisted with the desire to be in love with God's most beautiful creatures. I enrolled in a Well known Christian college on the West coast and studied Psychology and religion. I questioned everything. I devoured everything I could find about human behavior. To my dismay, I discovered psychology had more questions than answers. but more importantly, I learned to look deep in my heart examining my true feelings and motives. I read the word of God constantly. The real truth was, I wasn't a monster or a predator. I didn't even choose the way I was. I didn't want to hurt anyone, on the contrary, I wanted to love, to share my love, the love that God gave me. I began to do something I never thought I would do. I started doubting some of the teachings of my childhood. I took the bible as less than literal. Sure the word of God said Homos should be put to death, but in the same old testament they said epilepsy was demon possession, and even, that tattoos and sideburns were against God's law. Even if the Bible was not written literally, it still doesn't detract from the greater truth of the lesson therein. Sure I believed it was God's book, but man interpreted it, and to my experience, anything man had a hand in, couldn't be perfect. Given my new insights, I considered for the first time in my life, that perhaps the way I felt wasn't wrong. I began to pray in earnest. I asked Jesus once again to come into my heart and guide my life. While humbled on my knees I felt something I hadn't felt since I was a child. I felt the holy spirit touch my heart. This may sound vague and confusing to readers that didn't grow up in the church to know the terms, but the holy Spirit is the Spirit of God left by Jesus himself when he left this world after the resurrection. When we humble ourselves to God, the voice of God (the Holy Spirit) gives us direction. At that moment I knew it was not wrong for me to love a boy. I know too well what our society and the world would say; that I have created philosophical constructs to accommodate my religion to my "condition", but I know in my heart what's true, I cannot prove what I believe. I only know that once again I feel Jesus in my heart and my prayers transcend beyond the ceiling. Only the Lord can truly know what's in one's heart. I'm now thirty-two years old, and the greatest gift from God is my Puerto Rican boy Jesus, (pronounces "Hey-zeus"). Ironic isn't it that the love of my life should have the same name as our Lord and Savior. He choose to love me before I had the courage to make my desires known to him, and yes, I even met him in church. His mother literally gave him to me, to make one less than ten! of her own. In reality though, he is a gift from God. Except for the presence of God in my life, there is no stronger love than that which we feel when we embrace. I thank Go d daily for all the small blessings, but the biggest miracle is the small heart that beats to power the thirteen year old life he has put in my hands. In the power of the Holy Spirit, and with humble gratitude to God, I will continue to raise him to love the Lord, and allow him to love me, if he continues to feel so in his heart. |