is... do ya feel lucky, punk? well, do ya?
Submitted by Scott on September 30 1999 at 16:22:56
In reply to The question you have to ask yourself Submitted by Triple Q on September 30 1999 at 11:00:35
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> If there were no boys there, would you still love your job? i would still like my job, just not as much. i really like what i do, and the boys are just a plus. i have been in the same kinds of jobs with the general public, as opposed to school groups. i like both, but prefer working with the boys. > If you are worried about how you feel around them, then you must be having thoughts about whether you will be able to control the feelings you have as well. Is the temptation worth the inevitable outcome? first, i do not think that there is any inevitable outcome. i am mostly thinking about how my thoughts affect my attitude, and also about my motivations for doing what i do. as i said, i do feel that the Lord has placed me here, and it is an incredible blessing. but, do i continue because He wants me to? i would like to think such an honorable thing, but it might really be my selfish and self-pleasing nature to stay here for myself instead of Himself... i know He will work for good in all things, but i would like to be able to tell myself that i am truly working for Him, not cause i am lucky enough to be around tons of boys... > ...but you do need to be aware of the position that you are putting yourself in. As you said, the kids notice. And, if they notice, eventually one of them is going to say something. i dont really mind whether or not they say something. they do notice, but i do not think they give it two thoughts. it is mostly eating me up inside. i guess i am at war with my own deisres, the desires of my flesh against my love for my Lord... on the one hand i want so badly to be like Him, and love Him, and be a witness and a light, and be pure with Him. but He has given me this love for boys, and i must choose what to do with it. i want to use this gift for good and love, but it is so hard. i find my good intentions and desires twisted and defiled... and that is what destroys me most of all. i can feel the love i have for the boys, and when i can keep that uppermost in my mind, i do pretty well. but when i submit to my fleshly desires, i turn from the Lord... i am just so thankful that He is wise and merciful enough to love people like me, and to hold me in His arms, and welcome me into His kingdom when i leave this earth... i keep my eyes focused on what is ahead and to come... Scott |