....but it takes a real man to call it home.
And I am having a hard time calling this hole my home. In fact, I don't know what to call it. Nothing works you guys. Not time, not work, and sometimes I swear, not even God. Everyone knows I have a very dark past full of more crap then most people can handle. Everything around me is closing in on me, causing me to sufficate on my own life. When I left, I was looking for help. None has presented it's self. No amount of prayer or searching help. I have a tight budget right now, so I can't travel long distances and hope to get the help I need, especially with gas prices right now. So... no hope there. And more apparent then anything, I have LITERALLY, fallen in love with my best friend. No not the love that makes me want to get in his pants, you know, the real kind, the one that makes you want to spend the rest of your life with someone, the one that kills you when your seperated and sometimes worse when you think about the times when you undoubtly will be apart. Of course, he knows this, and is totally not 'this way' and it's fair to say that almost all of my past is healed, but not this, this just isn't going away. I don't think about boys at all anymore, heck, I don't even think about 'males' anymore, the only person I can think of anymore his him. And now he's all interested in this girl... and you know how that goes. So this all leads up to me having SO much love for someone but guess what?
I AM THE ONE WHO'S WRONG!
I AM WRONG!
And as the days go by he tells me he wants me to get help, to be his best friend, just, a normal best friend, like that's likley at all, I am far from normal. But I JUST CANNOT change the way I feel, but wait, some people hate hearing people say they can't change something.

So I'll re-phrase. If I can control it. I don't know how. And I don't know by what means I will come across these so called controls.
And also as the days go by the distant thoughts of suicide seem to lurk closer, because the only way to make him happy is to hurt and not say anything about it. Either way I hurt, and am bleeding from the inside out. Once again as the days pass, I begin to grow angry, bitter, hateful. Because I know the way I feel is not right. I am not okay with feeling this way. AND IT SUCKS. THE ONLY reason I am not okay is because GOD has clearly set the standard. I AM NOT OKAY with getting into heaven by my teeth. I want to at least have DONE SOMETHING holy with my life, no one can earn heaven but man, shouldn't we strive? SO now I am stuck with this love where; were it for a woman, my life would at peace. But I have this feeling towards another young man, and I am so attached, I HATE sharing him with ANYBODY, growing angry, bitter and alone and NO ONE can help.

If this doesn't depress you, there is something wrong, though that wasn't the point of saying all this. Just telling it to the few people I have that will listen. Too bad the people around me are to closed minded to hear me out. Stop, Drop and Roll, doesn't work in hell.